Chipping in

Moving to wordpress

2009-04-10T14:17:00.001+07:00

I have decided to move to wordpress. No profound or even specific reasons. Just because.

Amazing how easy one can change her mind.

Anyway, shall we start? Let’s go then. Click here. Do me a favor, will you? Start from the beginning (oldest post).

Until May 2009

2008-09-16T00:34:00.007+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
This is it. I am off for seven-eight months of study in the Beshara School, Scotland, UK. I shall see you again in April or May 2009, God willing. Be good. Have fun. Take care.

-eva

pic: Taken somewhere on Orchard Road, Singapore.

The moon and the rain

2008-09-15T23:59:00.013+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
…

And the moon is where two friends love to meet--sharing stories of light and darkness. In silence, chatter, laughter or tears—sometimes all at once. Or through an exchange of cryptic look, subtle gestures, and delicate smile only the two can understand.

The moon is a perfect meeting place, you see. For the moon does not shine its own light. It reflects the light it receives (mainly) from the sun--just like two friends reflecting one another. It shines a tender light that is never blinding, but still gives enough warmth to the heart and brings smile to the face.

So, I guess I shall see you tonight at the evening sky where the moon is--full or not. White, orange, grey, or pink. For once, I don't really care about the details.

Even if the moon is not in sight, we still know it is there. We still know where to meet. We are still meeting.

Perhaps the moon is not in sight because it is busy shining on other parts of the world. That is okay. The moonshine is rich enough for many to share. The beauty it shines upon us, though, is exclusively for us. I know. You know, too.

Perhaps the moon is not in sight because its route is not as predictable as the sun is. I supposed it is part of the beauty of the moon. It keeps us guessing, intrigued, and, occasionally, longing. (I wonder whether the sun is the only thing it is reflecting.)

Or perhaps the moon is not in sight due to the clouds. I don’t mind that either. Because clouds bring me the promises of rain. Rain too reminds me of you.

And the place where I am going–it rains all the time.

---

My challenge is not to remind myself to look up at the evening sky. My challenge is to not look up all the time. I know I must set my sight to what is in front of me and not let my mind wonder too often, even to you.

Besides, deep down, I know you are going to be alright. You are that strong and blessed. That is all I need to know. That is all that matters.

My dear friend. My dear spiritual mentor on how to love, to feel (again), to express (again), and—now—to let go. I know I must let you be, let you walk your own journey.

And my place is about two steps behind you, or rather, around you. At the back of the room, sipping warm black coffee, eating cookies, chatting my usual non-sense chat with whomever is next to me. Smiling proud at you, because of you.

While you are taking the center stage, growing sweet again, and fragrant and wild and fresh, and thankful for any small event.

It is time for us to continue the journey. Together or by ourselves. Or sometimes together and sometimes by ourselves. Yes, perhaps that is it. Thank you for being a travel companion for me and for being part of the blessings in this life.

The mind knows. The heart needs to catch up.

The first picture was taken in Ubud (Bali), the second from here and the third at the Anomali Coffee (Senopati, Jakarta).

Happy Id Mubarak 1429H

2008-09-15T22:24:00.004+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
I look around and wonder whether I have done enough for them.
I look inside and ponder whether I have done enough for myself.

Happy Id Mubarak 1429H
Have a safe return to your true self.

PS: I know. It is still a bit early, but I will leave the day after tomorrow (Wednesday morning) for the UK. I am taking a six month course in the Beshara School, Scotland, UK. During which, I will have little access to the Internet and mobile technology.

Take good care, darlings. Have fun living!

Stolen treasure

2008-09-10T15:33:00.006+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
Al Ghazali said that sometimes God (or nature or whatever supreme power you believe in) would take away things that we treasure so much in our heart to provide us with life lessons.

For us to learn to live without things we hold so dear to us and survive. For us to appreciate the treasure and use it (more) wisely.

Only when we have learned our lessons, He will return them to us.

I have had a lot of things taken away from me throughout my life. Some I still have not gotten back. Some I am reluctant or even afraid to repossess. Denial and avoidance. Guess I am still learning.

post script: But I tell you one thing though. Despite it all, I am still fine and I still consider myself one of the luckiest—the most blessed—beings ever alive. As you are, too. More than you realize. Thank you for being part of the blessings.

Don't ever think differently.

Focusing within

2008-09-10T14:58:00.004+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
I was in a group discussion one day, when a participant was telling us her story--how she wanted to help a person that came to her one day but could not because she had had prior engagement. She kept thinking how the woman must have felt and whether she had made the “right” decision by ignoring the plead.

Another was telling us how he has forgiven the people who have hurt him. How we have to be patient. How we need to be forgiving and let go. To accept. To be humble.

I thought to myself, isn’t amazing how we often focus on improving ourselves by reviewing how we behave toward others or how others view us? Sometimes we do not realize that the so-called problem is actually between us and ourselves, not us with them, and certainly not them with themselves.

A book I recently read gave me a different (and interesting) perspective. It advises us (or rather, me) to start with ourselves. Rather than focusing on how we should behave, it invites us to pay attention to the process within.

It is time to be (more) honest to ourselves, about ourselves. How do we really feel? To understand ourselves. To accept that we still feel the anger, disgust, annoyance, happiness and love. All sorts. To be honest with ourselves.

We have spent too much time denying what we feel—especially when the feelings are negative. Too often we just sweep our feelings under the rug—merely shifting the conscious to subconscious, adding to the already stacked up emotional baggage that we have. Not really deal with it.

We start from acknowledging how we feel and pay attention to it. Then pay attention to how the feeling evolves.

The books goes further by saying “breathe in the negative feelings, breathe out the positive ones.” I think it is a brave move.

Only after that process of looking within, we can step up our efforts to reach out to other people. Only by understanding our feelings, we can begin to understand how others may feel. Only by accepting and loving ourselves, we can begin to accept and love other people.

Make sense to me. Don’t you think?

An extra note. Are we really humble when we explicitly claim we are humble? Are we really patient when we claim we are patient? Do we really accept when we say we accept? Or are we just kidding ourselves? Another noun crept up my mind as I wrote this: Arrogance. Who are we kidding, honestly.

The soul lantern - Lentera Jiwa

2008-09-09T11:32:00.009+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
I love people (and especially friends) with dreams and aspirations. I love those who follow their dreams even more. I truly believe that consistently recurring inner calling really says something. It is not a mere random meaningless thing. It is anything but.

So I welcome the recent trend of Lentera Jiwa (liberal translation: soul lantern).

Granted, it is a(-nother) great marketing move by Yoris and Morin to promote Nugie’s new album.

Still, it is a great reminder for us all that we can (and should) live life to the fullest. To life up to our full potentials and not let what God has given us gone to waste.

Recto Verso – the newest album from Dee is also an evident showcase of one’s soul lantern. But I am not talking about Dee here. I think she needs no introduction (Love and light, D).

Instead, I want to talk about another friend who helped her distribute the album.That friend works in the IT business. He too has passion in music, or anything Indie basically.

What is interesting here is that he, that friend, has a passion in music for as long as I can remember (which is a long time, since we have known each other for more than 15 years).

He may not be able to devote his time to playing any musical instrument himself, but he gives music what he has—his passion, his organizational and management skills, and his brilliant logic. He contributes to his passion the best way he knows how. He is probably the only one who can fill that spot, making his contribution unique to the whole equation.

The thought brings me back to 2002, where I felt rather helpless looking at all those Jakarta flood victims. I followed a doctor friend of mine around. She was helping the victims. Little old me, what can I do? I helped my friend organize and package the simple medicine for the victims.

Now—looking at my friend’s indie music stories—I realize that I need not to be a doctor to help in health care. By profession, I am a communications consultant. So that is what I do—and what I have been doing to some extent.

I have not found a specific cause—or organization—that I would like to devote myself to. Rather, I would prefer to act as consultants to my friends’ organizations—conducting communications trainings for them, helping them craft up their newsletters, writing their stories, touching up their funding proposals, etc.

Perhaps that is my unique place or function in this whole ensemble. That and probably something else. We shall see.

I will tell you two things though. Firstly, honestly, listen to yourself, and seek that calling. Secondly, take your time. It's a process. You need not jump to it right here right now. Perhaps what you are doing now is a preparation towards that step you are about to take. Good preparation is half the battle won. Take your time, but not too much ;)

I will reiterate what Lentera Jiwa has written in its website:
"Life is full of choice, but often the best choice is to follow the soul lantern within us. The light that guides us to our purpose in life. Our passion in life. What about your soul lantern?"

A time for silence. And stillness

2008-09-03T14:18:00.010+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
My school has not started yet. I have not even started my (physical) travel yet. But the pre-term lessons have begun.

A healing mentor Reza Gunawan told me a while ago sometimes our body and soul know the travel that we are about to embark on and they begin the process even before we start the physical journey.

I can feel that the process have begun. Within. A sensation (or two, or three) so familiar and familiarly intense. They are resurfacing. This time, I (try to) welcome them with all my heart. Try would be the operative word here, as it can be quite challenging.

My meditation teacher Pak Merta Ade of Bali Usada once said, “When you are ready, try to stay with the sensation longer.” (translation: don't run away. Deal with it.) He was talking about the bodily sensation felt during meditation. I was hearing a lot more than that. I heard sadness, anger, traumas, and what have you. All those unresolved emotions.

The book I received from a friend urged me to start where I am now. To learn to deal with my current and real (physical and emotional) conditions; to learn from them. Again, all those unresolved emotions.

Both occurrences told me to “slow down, stop moving, sit, and deal with yourself”. So I sat. In silence. With nobody else but myself. And You. It was not easy. Somehow the old feelings and memories have become more and more vivid. I became restless. I wondered whether I was ready to plunge into this once again.

I would not be me if I had not tried to be 'creative'.

Maybe if I keep myself busy, I would not be too tied up with this practice. I took up some projects even though my departure date is approaching fast. I guess I forgot who I am up against. Both projects were not moving that fast. I still have lots of free time to “be tied up with this practice.”

Well, maybe there is a way to lighten this load a bit. Sharing would help, right? It would not hurt to tell a friend or two, right? Wrong.

Some things really should be left unspoken and unshared. There was always something. Internet got disconnected. One too many people around. Mismatched schedule. Not enough time. You see, it is not that I don't want to, I cannot. I must not.

So again, I can only sit in silence. With myself and I. And You.

I know the time has arrived. I know it is a personal journey that I have to walk on my own. With nobody else but You. Believe. I do.

You may not understand. It is ok. Sometimes I don’t either.

The mind knows. The heart still needs to catch up.

Joe Jackson's Stepping out

2008-09-01T22:42:00.002+07:00

Now -
The mist across the window hides the lines
But nothing hides the color of the lights that shine
Electricity so fine
Look and dry your eyes

We -
So tired of all the darkness in our lives
With no more angry words to say
Can come alive
Get into a car and drive
To the other side

Me babe - stepping out
Into the night
Into the light
You babe - stepping out
Into the night
Into the light

We -
Are young but getting old before our time
We’ll leave the TV and the radio behind
Don’t you wonder what we'll find
Stepping out tonight

You -
Can dress in pink and blue just like a child
And in a yellow taxi turn to me and smile
We’ll be there in just a while
If you follow me

Me babe - stepping out
Into the night
Into the light
You babe - stepping out
Into the night
Into the light

Nice quote, Tom. Perfect for the night.

From one home to another

2008-09-01T20:40:00.016+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
It is September. On the 17th, I'll be off to Scotland for a six-month study in Beshara.

These upcoming months of my life was started by one of those unexpected turns in my life. I was introduced to the Beshara group in Jakarta last year.

I attended a weekend course and I must admit I did not connect instantly. But something has pulled me to the group again and again. I obeyed, partly out of curiosity.

Earlier this year, I attended another weekend course. Toward the end of the course, I stroke up a casual conversation with one of the facilitators. I asked whether it was possible for me to join the course on scholarship. He said, “Just email the school director.” The statement was that simple.

The process was amazingly just as simple. I ‘ignored’ that remarks for a week, then something prompted me, and I thought, well, why not. I have nothing to lose.

I emailed the director. The director responded. Yes. Yes??!?!? I text-ed a couple of friends, forwarded the email, and asked whether I have understood the email correctly. I was. Wow.

Some friends asked (over and over again) how come I got the scholarship, on what ground. The only answer I could give them was: “Perhaps, all you have to do is ask.” A succumbing answer given due to lack of other logical explanation. No need for one.

And the rest is history. I received the acceptance email in March this year. Then life happened. Now we are in September. Two weeks from now, I shall be in Scotland, God willing.

Scotland. The region has been very close to my heart. My friends and family know how much I have fallen in love with the place.

So when they heard I was going to Scotland, there were only two comments made: “It is meant to be” and “Oh, you are going home.”

Yes, I feel like I am going home. I am going home. I am going, from one home to another. It is meant to be. I am merely walking it.

If you go there--and you go there with me, I am sure you can see what I see, and feel what I feel, then you might understand why.

---
I woke up this morning to a text by a dear friend: “May all kind efforts lead the soul to true enlightenment, even if it is not the easiest road.”

I know. You know. No other does. Deep breath.

pics taken from Beshara, Stirling Uni, and Gettyimages.

Family picture - Aug 2008

2008-08-31T15:08:00.003+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
Pre-Ramadhan family picture. Aug 31st 2008.
Is it a wonder that I love them so much?

A life unfinished

2008-08-27T17:33:00.021+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]

The stone-built medieval town is at a complete still
All its inhabitants have gone to sleep
All except one. The teenage Annette
The town street says nothing
Yet to this girl, it is bearing its tired soul

The teenage Annette is wrapped in her winter coat
She is staring at the empty street
Her chest congested, her breathing short, her eyes watery
Yet she stands there, unmoved, frozen in time and space
Ignorant to the chilling Fahrenheit that is tightly squeezing her

Because there is something even more chilling
About this beloved town of hers
The sadness, the frustration, and the heartbreaking poverty

Annette has made up her mind
She knows what to do
And is determined to instigate it

Feeling resolved, the girl returns inside
To her warm homey modest hut
To her smart blue collar father
To her humble loving mother
And her innocent little brother

Young matured Annette knows
The fertile land surrounding her town is the key
To bring her people out of this stricken poverty
Agriculture-based economy. That is the answer
That is what she is focusing on
A total dedication to her ideals and people

Annette’s performance surpasses all women of her time
Her thoughts get appreciated

But Annette is satisfied much too soon
The ovation and gratitude have blinded her
Arrogance has smoothly taken over her soul
And she forgets how far she can go
She overlooks the many miles she has yet to travel

The road detours even further
The adult Annette meets her man
They fall in love
They live happily throughout the rest of their life

Annette disregards what she is set to do
She clings to the happiness she is so afraid to lose
She does not know that she could have had it all
To have the cake and eat it too
And much more. The Caretaker is that generous

On her dying bed, the middle aged Annette looks around
She feels happy. She feels love
Annette has what she wants
Wealth. Respect. Family
And (her limiting somewhat misled understanding of) love

But during her last minutes, she remembers something
Her job is still not done
She has abandoned what she had come here for
Now it is all coming back to her
During the final moments of her life

There are still some clinging hopes left though
The journey is not over yet
There will be a next time
And that time is now

When all things fall into places
When all things can and will go hand in hand
Love. And this time, she hopes it is the Divine Love.

Pay attention..

2008-08-24T21:33:00.005+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]

"Perhatikan barang bawaan Anda"

Translation: Pay attention to your belongings.

I read the sign at a toilet in some shopping mall in town.

So I looked at my bag, stared at it. I paid attention to it and I thought, "um, then what?"

:p

Our deepest fear

2008-08-23T22:31:00.001+07:00

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate; our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, talented and gorgeous? Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel small around you.

We are all born to manifest the glory that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Nelson Mandela 1994

Job Op: Info Officer @ IRD/SERASI

2008-08-21T12:16:00.001+07:00

IRD, an international non-profit organization in Indonesia, seeks exceptional individuals for the following positions:

Information/Media Officer or Consultant (Jakarta) –
* Develop and update program descriptions, accomplishments and highlights for program outreach, including brochures and website.
* Assemble and end draft program quarterly reports.
* Develop and maintain internal networks to identify and document success stories.
* Generate monthly highlights and quarterly program newsletters.
* Develop and maintain digital photo library.

The ideal candidate will have desktop publishing skills, including layout and graphics, to produce polished in-house publications, including quarterly program newsletters for public dissemination.

This position requires fluent English and excellent writing skills. Indonesian languages skills are a plus but are not absolutely required.

Applicants should submit CV highlighting relevant skills and accomplishments, and one or more sample publications (PDF format preferred; try to avoid attachments larger than 2MB).

CV should list any weblinks to additional publications, or websites which contain content you have authored. We prefer to fill this position full-time, but may also be willing to consider candidates who prefer only part-time employment.

If you think you are up to the challenge, write to us email or snail mail, and include a cover letter, your CV, 3 references, and your salary history/expectations to:

Application for Information Officer
IRD/SERASI
Suite 904, 9th Floor
Intiland Building
Jl. Jenderal Sudirman No 32
Jakarta 10220
Email: opportunity@ird.or.id

No phone calls please. Only short-listed candidates will be contacted.
IRD IS AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY EMPLOYER

Reminiscing the past

2008-08-18T20:34:00.005+07:00

When I call your name
I'm gonna scream out loud
I'll say...
Here I am standing in the crowd

You'll say "Come to me
With your open mind
You never know
What you still might find"

But you keep me here
Like a canceled flight
An empty train
Running through the night
An orphan child
A broken shoe

And I'm still down here
Looking out for you
Are you there for me?
'Cause I'm here for you

Taken from the song Loneliness, by Annie Lennox. Coupled with Irene Cara's Own My Own, U2's The First Time, and Annie Lennox's The Hurting Time, they were an intense combination.

Reminiscing the past. Wondering whether I am completely over it.

End note to this travel chapter: A fast life

2008-08-11T01:03:00.004+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
This is it. The end of my current stretch of travel. Tomorrow, the work life (as a professional in the communications field) will resume. It has been a great three week journey.

When I told a friend several weeks ago about my traveling schedule—yoga, meditation, healing training, meeting up with people, four—or more—places in three countries within a stretch of three weeks, she commented, “what a fast life.”

I had never thought about that until she said it. She has made a valid point. If you look at the schedule, my life seems to be moving very fast from one point to another.

Yet interestingly, at each point, the life seemed to slow down up to the degree where it hardly even moved. The life was slow at each point. It took its time going through and enjoying the process.

Now life does not seem as if it is moving that fast at all. Not anymore.

The life moves from one point to another lightly, but I know it takes its time as it moves--immersing in the experience given by each node of adventure, enjoying the process, and embracing the learnings presented by nature.

Detaching, enjoying, and embracing seem to be the keywords of this travel episode.

I have my teachers and friends to thank. And God. And my beloved family. And--in a peculiar way—I have myself to thank for allowing the process to happen.

As I wrote this end note, a passage from the book given by a dear fellow traveler resonated in my head: “Compassion for others begins with kindness to ourselves.”

PS: miss you, too. I really do.

Just like the right hand and the left hand

2008-08-10T12:56:00.004+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
A man was nailing the wall with a hammer. His left hand was holding the nail while the right holds the hammer. Pound, pound, pound.

“Ouch!” suddenly the man shouted. He has hit his left hand with the hammer. Or if you like, his right hand (that is holding the hammer) has hit his left hand (that is holding the nail).

Do you know what have happened next?

The right hand threw away the hammer to hold the left hand. The left hand was hurting and focusing on the pain. Both worked together to best ease the pain.

What do you think would have happened had the incident been between two humans? A hit B. A could have run away. A could have acted as if nothing had happened. Or A could have scolded B for being careless—applying the 'scold first before being scolded' principle.

B, on the other hand, might have looked at A with anger and hatred. B would have blamed A for what had just happened. B would have held grudges and at the back of the mind keep this memory in tact and secretly plan for a revenge some day.

But not the hands. The right hand did not run away. It could not. Both hands were united in one body. The right hand straightforwardly forgot what it was doing to tend for the left hand. The left hand did not hold any grudges and did not even think of having a revenge at the right hand.

Things happen. Both hands work together to make the best out of it. They feel for each other. They are connected with each other. They know that, at the end of the day, they are one and interconnected. Nobody blames anybody else. They just work together.

The magnificent human body is a microcosmic view of how the universe inter-relates and how humans should treat one another. Very few pay attention, though.

-a story by Thich Nhat Hanh told during those conversations with Nat in Bangkok.

Bangkok: Meeting between old friends

2008-08-10T12:46:00.006+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
I have just realized that Bangkok was the only city in my current travel stretch where I did not have any specific agenda apart from meeting with a friend. There was no retreat, no training, no nothing. It is nice to have such occasional lack of agenda.

Well, there was one agenda: to have a chat with my friend Nat. (oh and a Thai massage session.) I met Nat while I was in Spain on a chance occurrence. We had coffee and started to chat. The short chat grew into friendship.

This three-day visit to Bangkok was actually the second time I met her in person. I am not sure what I can write here. Any idea, Nat? I do not know any other persons with whom I can have discussion in the same way we have ours.

As my taxi drove for the airport early that morning, I felt sad. I have been to several places lately, but only Bangkok has managed to make me feel this sentimental.

It was as if I had left the city too soon. Bangkok seemed not to had had the chance to tell me its stories. Perhaps there were words that have not been said, scenes that have not been seen, and experiences that have not been shared.

On board the aircraft, I opened the first page of the book Nat has given me. The book titled "Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living written" by a female monk Pema Chödrön. What a powerful book. I shivered when I opened the first page and felt my eyes getting warmer as I read the preface.

Page ix, paragraph two:
“In our era, when so many people are seeking help to relate to their own feelings of woundedness and at the same time wanting to help relieve the suffering they see around them, the ancient teaches presented here are especially encouraging and to the point. When we find that we are closing down to ourselves and to others, here is instruction on how to open. When we find that we are holding back, here is instruction on how to give. That which is unwanted and rejected in ourselves and in others can be seen and felt with honesty and compassion. This is teaching on how to be there for others without withdrawing.”

I was writing this entry but I did not know at first what pictures I can put here as illustration. Perhaps I should have taken pictures of all the places we went and the things that we ate, Nat. But pictures seemed unimportant and almost irrelevant compared with the things that we chatted and shared. Thank you for being such a gift.

You were right. Our chance meeting was not by chance at all. It was not a meeting between two strangers. It was a meeting of two long lost friends.

Singapore: All (unusual) business

2008-08-10T12:42:00.008+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
Singapore always feels ‘business’ to me. I do not think I have ever come here as tourist. It was always for something specific: taking my mom to hospital, visiting friends, meeting, attending conferences, or, this time, participating in a training course.

It was a four day training on Craniosacral Therapy (CST). Cranio what? It is a light touch healing technique developed by John Upledger. Simply put, the touch would relaxes stressed muscles and, conversely, activates sleeping muscles.

I love CST for several reasons. It helps people (I am a witness to that. I have been treated.) It uses soft touch, which does not hurt at all (five grams of touch are all it takes.) It has strong scientific medical explanation to back up the technique (good for my overtly logical and painstakingly critical left brain.)

The touch is a way to connect to the person’s body (and mind). Human body has self-healing mechanism. The touch simply says “we’re listening” and waits until the body is opening up to tell its stories.

[Remind me to write more about CST later, For now, kindly refer to the official website of the Upledger Institute for details.]

The training was great. The instructor Michael, the four teaching assistants (TA) and Greenpartners as the organizer (hey Kheng!) were simply superb.

Two of the TAs were my therapists—Martyn and Heather. I did not know they were supposed to be there. So Heather came up to me from behind, covered my eyes from behind and said, “Guess who I am. You should be able to tell by the touch of my hand.” ☺ A typical CST joke!

I had a great time. Honestly, I had a great time during the training. On my first day, I texted a friend only to say “I like my life.” From the bottom of my heart. I don’t think I have ever thought that, at least not for a long time. My life has been nothing but blessings, but that day I honestly felt I was blessed.

When I told several friends about my taking this course, they asked, “What are you going to do with it once you have taken the course?” Good question.

A question that reminded me about a passage in Paulo Coelho’s Pilgrimage. The main character was eager to find the sword. So eager that he did not realize that before finding the sword, he had to answer the most important question: “What will you do when you find the sword?”

I am still uncertain about my answer. Perhaps it is a step toward a childhood dream to become a doctor. I used to want to be a doctor so I can spend half of my time making money and the other half helping people.

Or perhaps it is a make-up time. I remembered the helplessness I felt when I was volunteering to help victims of the Jakarta’s major flood. So many suffering, so little I could do.

I don’t know. But I know when it is time, I will know what to do with it.

For the time being, I would like to thank the CST team (and new friends) for the great experience. Thanks to the city of Singapore that has always been kind (and professional and efficient!) to me.

A special thanks to Yolli, Hany, and Andien for letting me stay at their places. Nila and Mike for the great veggie meal. A warm hug to all whom I met during my visit to Singapore this time round.

Sharing stories

2008-08-07T12:07:00.008+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
Throughout the 11 days of the TB2 meditation, I spent 10 of them observing the noble silence. Noble silence means “silence of body, speech, and mind. Any form of communication with fellow student, whether by gestures, sign language, written notes, etc., is prohibited.

Participants may, however, speak with the teacher whenever necessary and they may approach the management with any problems related to food, accommodation, health, etc. But even these contacts should be kept to a minimum. We should cultivate the feeling that we are working in isolation.”

Surprisingly, not talking to the people around me was not my biggest challenge. Perhaps it was because I did not know them so well. We had just met and chatted several hours before so the emotional bond was not there yet.

My biggest challenge, I found, was the fact that I could not write and tell stories (verbal or in writing) to my friends.

I miss telling stories to my friends—to you—and sharing my impressions with them—with you. I miss my friends—miss you. It took 10 days of noble silence to help me realize how much sharing with my friends—with you—mean to me.

The hills and the clouds gave their second lesson:” Be patient. Wait until the process has finished, wait until it is all clear to you, then share your stories”.

The moon, which hanged around until 7Am that day, augmented the lesson: “The friends will still be there when you finish, waiting for your to return to them.”

The last night

2008-08-07T11:58:00.007+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
That night was the last night I stayed at Pacung for TB2. The day after that we would end our noble silence, the meditation session would end, and I would move on.

So late at night, I sat at my porch staring at the darkened garden and the glorious night sky before me.

I smiled and thanked them—the nights, the moon, the stars, the ponds, the fountain, the rice field, the garden, the animals, the wind—for the blissful experience. The only friends I have during my night prayers.

It was a clear night. I had never seen so many stars in Indonesia’s night sky. No moon though. I wonder where it went. It did not matter. I knew it was there. I smiled at the moon nonetheless.

I thought about going to bed but something inside told me to stay just a bit longer. So I continued to sit and converse with the familiarly warm nocturnal nature.

Then the night gave its final performance: A bright—and what seemed to be colorful—shooting star. Quick! Make a wish!

I could not help but smiled. You are too kind.

It has said its last piece. The night then allowed me to sleep.

Watch nature unfold

2008-08-07T11:45:00.012+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
How can this..

Turn into this..

And to this..

Before fully blooming into this..

Watch nature unfold its beauty.

X marks the spot

2008-08-07T11:43:00.004+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
See the picture on the left? The picture was taken at the place where I stayed in Pacung, Bali, during my meditation with Bali Usada.

When you stand exactly on that spot and face to the lowest point where the two hills meet, you can hear the sound of water flowing from three different sources: the small river in front of you, from the pond behind you, and the fountain on your right.

But you cannot see them. You cannot hear them either.

That magnificent spot was built by nature for me. Especially for me. And I am not sharing!

Fly again

2008-08-07T11:41:00.001+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
I was sitting down at the dining table when I saw a bird fell. It fell down hard. I extended my neck, trying to look what was wrong with the bird. It turned out that a couple of kids had thrown stone at him. *grrrhh*

The two children running enthusiastically to approach the bird. I watched them, unsure what to do. I just sat and watched.

Just as the two children were only about one meter from the bird, wooshhh, the bird flew. It flew strong, leaving the two children empty handed.

Too bad I was in my noble silence. Otherwise, I would have clapped and cheered at the bird. That is: Bird 1, Human 0.

In comedy, timing is everything, my friend. Timing is everything.

What is your intension?

2008-08-07T11:40:00.002+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
When you stood up in front of your client to defend your team, do you do that out of professionalism, out of love and care for the team, or out of anger to the client?

When you stop a father from hitting a child (God forbid), do you do that out of love to the child or out of disgust for the father?

When you shout “stop corruption!”, do you should in the name of justice and welfare for all, or out of hatred to the corrupts?

Anger, disgust, and hatred are negative emotions no matter what the reasons may be. They create scars in our souls. They taint even the best deeds. Take good care.

-from the talk delivered by Pak Merta Ade

Cocoon

2008-08-07T11:37:00.003+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
Do you know that caterpillar needs to find its own way out of its pupa to become a butterfly?

If, for instance, you have the good intension to help the caterpillar out by cutting its pupa, then the would-be butterfly would not have strong enough wing muscles to allow it to fly.

If you try to make it easy for it, the would-be butterfly would not go through that series of muscle training when it is crawling out of its pupa.

Sometimes you just need to do it and go through it yourself to really understand and build your bodily and mind muscles. *Justification mode on ;)*

-from the talk delivered by Pak Merta Ade

Pic taken from here.

A chat with Pak Merta Ade

2008-08-07T11:34:00.006+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
I cannot remember when the last time a teacher (or supervisor) got more excited than myself about what I did. That was how I felt when I went to see my Bali Usada health meditation teacher Pak Merta Ade on my third day of TB2.

I went to his porch. When he saw me walking towards him, Pak Merta Ade got up and with a huge smile he looked me in the eyes and shook my hand firmly. “I am so glad to see you join TB2. You participated in TB1 and now TB2. Good. Very good,” he said excitedly. I felt honored.

The conversation went on. I told him about my challenges.

I told him about how I felt a lot of discomfort whenever I tried feeling the six characteristics of the earth element in my body.

I said that every time I got to that earth stage, I just moved on from one characteristic to another very fast.

Pak Merta said, “That means you are already sensitive enough to feel the element. Then if and when you feel you are ready, try to stay a little longer, feel the sensation, and sense the impermanence, that everything will eventually change.”

I was impressed how he managed to say it positively. He did not scolded me for dodging the discomfort I felt and say “You are wrong. That is not how you are supposed to do it. Don’t be so weak. Face the pain and discomfort.”

Instead, he used the words “when you feel you are ready.” There was not a single judgmental or negative word in the sentences.

That is why he is the teacher and I am the student ☺

A pact with God

2008-08-07T11:29:00.004+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
The first three days of the Tapa Brata were [pause, let me see if I can find a positive word for this] ‘the least pleasant’ for me.

The body and mind (or soul) were adjusting to this new lifestyle, activities, and schedule.

My body ached all over. There was a lack of (or rather, non-existence) of concentration. The feet went numb. The stomach got upset. The weather was chilling. The mind seemed unable to grasp about what it should do and feel during the meditation.

First day. Second day. Third day. It was honestly challenging and somewhat frustrating.

So at the night of Day 3, after everybody had returned to his or her room and I returned to mine, I sat down for a late night prayer and conversed with God.

I proposed a pact with Him. I told Him, more or less in these words, “Look, God, I am willing to go through this gladly if You want me to, but You have got to help me out here. Make this process easy for me.”

Yes, I am fair, straightforward, and stern even to Him.

I must remember this so-called prayer because it seemed quite effective.

Day 4, I woke up feeling determined. I told myself I had got to go through this. I felt like Po in Kungfu Panda when the four heroes gave him a (literally) hard-hitting ‘lesson’ during their first training session together.

Po fell down over and over again. Yet every single time he fell down, he got up again-- looking all enthusiastic beyond common sense--and yelled, “Woo hoo! That was awesome. Let’s do it again!”

I felt like that. I promised myself that I would do my best, even if I could not concentrate 100% or the feet and back were aching.

Thus, the new ‘regime’ was put into place. I came to every single meditation session. I sat quietly throughout the 45-60 minute meditation session. I diligently dragged back my thought whenever it swayed away (for the thousandth time) during the meditation.

I did my prayers. I did my yoga practice. I walked around the garden to stretch my leg. I even folded my blanket, pashmina and jacket every time I finished the meditation session. I also promised myself that I would smile every time I started and ended a meditation.

That morning as I sat facing the hills during the sunrise, I felt God nodding to my proposed pact. The clouds lifted up from the hill nearest to me. Behind that hill, I can see another hill, and another hill, and yet another hill. Clarity. I smiled. They smiled back.

I went out of the dining area and looked up to the sky above. The moon was still there. It was seven o’clock in the morning and the moon was still there. It was as if the moon was gasping its last breath and pulling off its last strength to see how my conversation with God turned out, cheering and smiling at me all the way. I smiled. I shall be okay.

Static nature, dynamic experience

2008-08-07T11:25:00.006+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]

This is where I spent my 11 TB2 meditation days.

It is amazing how such static picture of nature can provide such rich and dynamic experience. A new lesson every single day. Every single hour. Every single minute. Every single second. Depending how open we are to the experience.

Ten days of silence

2008-08-07T11:18:00.010+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
Second leg of the trip: 11 day meditation of Tapa Brata II (TB2), arranged by Bali Usada, in Pacung (wherever that may be in Bali. Geography is not exactly my forte). From the 11 days, I spent 10 of them in noble silence.

I have never done an 11 day meditation before. There is always a first time for everything, as the cliché would say. I did seven day meditations, but never eleven days.

It was quite an experience, a well-worth experience to go through.

As usual, the people were interesting. I mean, those were not the bunch who wants to try meditation the first time.

They have tasted several traditions of meditation. They have taken the Tapa Brata 1. Somehow they must have thought that they might be on to something here and decided to take up TB2.

I was greeted by the great nature and simple living, chatted with friends and Pak Merta Ade, made a pact with God just to go by, and had numerous rendez-vous with the nights.

So many things to share that I have decided—as with the yoga experience—to share the experience in several entries. I really miss sharing this with friends—with you.

Take your time. Enjoy.

Thanks for the enthusiasm

2008-08-07T11:12:00.001+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
A short text came while I was in Bali.

Him: “Hey, Va, are we meeting today?”
Me: “No, we will meet in two weeks. But thanks for the enthusiasm :D”

I know it was probably just a case of a lapse of memory on his side or any other more sensible reason, but let me hold on to this one ;)

Wishing like it was the first time

2008-08-07T11:09:00.004+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
I was sitting still watching the kecak dance that night. I watched my new non-Indonesian friends watching it in awe. It was their first time seeing the dance. Not for me. I have lost count on how many times I have seen the dance.

I wish it was my first time though. I wish I can feel that same awe as those who saw it for the first time.

Just like a child who sees everything for the first time and spontaneously and animatedly got all hyped up about it.

Would it not be great to have such child-like enthusiasm?

Twist and balance

2008-08-07T11:02:00.004+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
I love the philosophies behind every yoga move. Here are three that I have noted down from my sessions with Ann Barros.

Balance in the tree pose
We were doing the tree pose. Usually a teacher would ask us to focus on one point throughout the pose to help maintain our balance.

Not Ann. She said the opposite, “Try to move your eyes from one point to another. Your body should stay balance. The balance should come from inside.”

The deep twist
As the session about to end, Ann invited us to do a deep twist. The twist, according to yoga philosopher, releases deep anger, and sadness. Ouch.

If a twist can do that, I wonder what a twist-and-shout can do ;)

Savatsana
No yoga session should end without any cooling down postures. One of which, would be the savatsana or corpse pose.

The pose is said to relax the body, help to lower blood pressure, reduce headache, fatigue and insomnia, calm the brain and help relieve stress and mild depression.

Savatsana is always put as the second last pose (before meditation) of every yoga session. I love it when Ann said each time we do savatsana, “When you are ready, you can start to wake your body up while keeping the savatsana within you.”

Now, have you started to understand why I love yoga so much? :)

Working @ Ubud

2008-08-07T10:58:00.005+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
A note to a client about a week before I left for Bali: “Hi. Just to remind you that I shall be leaving for Bali in a week. Do you still want me to assist you? If so, appreciate if we can settle everything before I leave.”

A note to the same client a couple of days before I left, ”Hi. Can you confirm whether we can move forward yet? Am leaving in a couple of days. But if need be, I can still work until 22nd morning. On 22nd afternoon, I shall start my meditation and will switch off my mobile and Internet connection.”

I received the brief the day I left for Bali. Thus the work needed to be done while I was there. I went online and told a friend through chat that I needed to work while I was in Bali.

My friend only asked one question, “How do you feel about that?” Good question. “I felt fine” I said, “I don’t mind at all doing the work now.”

“Good. That is all that matters” was the response that I got.

My friend was right. That feeling of not minding, of taking it lightly or even with a pinch (or more) of gladness is what matters, no matter what you are facing.

A welcoming space

2008-08-07T10:50:00.008+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
I love this room.

I must confess I was hoping to get another room, towards the back of the lodge. The ones at the back have prettier more traditional interior design and a more scenic view and are closer to all other yoga participants.

I spoke to soon.

That room of mine, that simpler secluded room of mine, was perfect. Firstly, it was actually comfortable and sufficient. Everything works.

Secondly, I had the best neighbor, a fellow yoga participant who somehow had similar professional (and perhaps personal) background. So we connected instantly.

Thirdly, it was the closest one to the yoga class. That precious five extra minutes others spent walking to the class which I can spend lying down on my bed.

Lastly, and this is the best part, the room faced the pathway where everybody should went through whenever they go to the yoga class or anywhere else. Added by a nice front porch, I felt like having a nice petite home that welcomed any friends and guests who passed by.

Sufficient, comfortable, and warmly welcoming. A dream home.

Yoga in Bali

2008-08-07T10:18:00.020+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
Last July, I participated in a five-day Iyengar Yoga course with Ann Barros. This is the second time I joined her class.

I must have liked it the first time that I gladly returned to Ubud for this.

Well, come to think of it, I would return to Ubud for any reason, really.

I love taking Iyengar classes. The Iyengar tradition put particular emphasis on precision (oh my cup of tea! ☺) and alignment in all postures.

It uses self designed props such as wooden gadgets, belts, ropes helps the practitioner to achieve perfection in all the postures.

Thus these classes feel like refresher courses to remind myself how the postures are supposed to be. You should see how Ann commented and corrected our poses to the very small details—which is not always that pleasant when you are doing inversion poses (head down, feet up). She also liked to squeeze in a couple of philosophical note on Yoga. Love it!

We stayed at the Kebun Indah lodge. I had a great room and made several great new friends.

Breakfast was another favorite time of mine. We gathered at the largest room to have breakfast together. Yum yum.

Those are the times when we could chat. Breakfasts are the times when I listen to amazing stories from my new friends. Others are indeed mirrors of you. My beloved mirrors.

During my free time, I roamed around Ubud, often alone (with books!), but sometimes with friends for coffee, lunch, dinner or watching the Kecak performance. Texting friends occasionally. And sometimes, working ;)

I walked the alternative smaller streets of Ubud and found that they were just as amazing.

Some were even more interesting than the usual shops you see in the main roads.

I realized that it has been quite some time since I last traveled alone. I missed that.

But now I have found that sensation of being with myself again. It was good to remember that feeling. It was even better to couple that with beautiful new friends, Ubud and Iyengar yoga.

Thanks, Ann. Thanks, friends. Thanks, Ubud. As Arnold the Governator said, “I will be back!” And that is a promise.

Note to self: must get everyone's pictures and post them here.

On your wedding day

2008-08-02T23:33:00.004+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
I am sorry I cannot be there in person on one of the most important days in your life. I will offer no excuse, for any excuse would sound lame to you.

But my heart and prayer go to you, especially today on your special day. I wish you and your partner a life full of simple happiness and true love.

May you form a spiritual partnership that is the envy of all beings for as long as you both shall live.

A partnership that allows each of you (to help each other) grow and realize your full potential—willingly, happily. Where nothing is seen as sacrifice. When each day is deemed as yet another unfolding miracle and a precious gift from God.

May you wake up each morning, live through each day, and go to sleep each night knowing that you are blessed with the most beautiful life and love.

Enabling the childhood dream(s)

2008-07-16T21:36:00.005+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
What do you want to be when you grow up? What is it that you have always been passionate about? What do you always dream about becoming? Would it not be great if we can turn that into reality? Personal (childhood) dream is always an exciting discussion topic.

But you know what—to me—would be more exciting than realizing own childhood dream? It is to enable other people’s childhood dream(s).

I don’t know why, but I always get excited about listening to other people’s dream. In fact, listening to other people’s dream gets me more excited than thinking about my own. My mind works extra hours. My head keeps thinking how I can help turn that into reality, whom I should get my friends in touch with, etc, etc.

I am especially itchy to see gifted people—whose gift is so obvious it is almost blinding—yet they still live ‘their ordinary life’. Why oh why?

I believe we all have our own special, unique gift. Each of us is born with a very specific role in life. Part of our task is to find it out (or some say, to remember it). The other part is to live it.

How do you do find and live your special gift, your dream?

The secret to being special—as Master Oogway and Po’s father Mr. Ping would say—is nothing. You just need to believe that you are special.

There is, however, a trick to do this. The trick is: to give it a try.

If we don’t give it a try, how do we know whether it works for us? It is impossible, you say? Well, it’s kind of fun to do the impossible.

The dream tells us something. Live it. Then return the favor.

On writing and being a writer

2008-07-16T14:11:00.011+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
I was amazed, puzzled, and somewhat flattered when some friends asked whether I have ever considered writing books.

“Um, no,” was my initial immediate answer. Short though perhaps not that sweet.

Then my second answer came about as I pondered upon the topic a bit longer, “On what?” I had no idea the kind of book I can write that will entice people enough to read through or even buy.

You see, I have never really seen myself as a writer, much less a good writer. I don’t think I have the passion for writing. Not the way some of my friends have. Those people see writing per se as their passion. Writing has been put on the spotlight as the main subject itself. I don’t.

I see writing as a way to express what I think, what I feel. To express my passions, yes, but not as a stand alone passion.

Nevertheless, as a huge fan for ponder, I gave the comment some more pieces of my mind. I consulted another friend about this—a fellow zinister whose blog is one of my favorites. I am sure she too does not think of herself as a writer.

She said, “Why (write a book)? I would prefer your current modes of writing, through blogs and email circulation. They do not cost me a dime. Books, I need to buy.” Good point.

Don’t get me wrong. I have the utmost respect for writers—gifted writers of published and unpublished books. Books have been among my best friends and I would not have them—nor would I have acquired this much insights and knowledge—had it not for their writers.

Last night another friend argued, “Well, with books all your thoughts and ideas will be compiled in much more compact and organized form. Plus they can reach much wider audience.” True, maybe. But what am I writing about? Who am I reaching out to?

During a discussion a couple of weeks ago, a fellow participant asked me why I did not say a word in the last session. I said I had nothing necessary to add. He said, “But you should. I want to learn from you, too.” True as well. Very interesting, in fact. I have never considered my silence as a show of hesitation to share.

Still, for the time being, I will agree with my friend’s suggestion to stick with blogs and email circulation. For now.

[Pic 1 - personal; 2 - Hany's]

Reading Indonesian books

2008-07-16T13:30:00.008+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
I think I have been using too much English lately.

When I write an entry for my blog, I write the English text first. Yes, even for this one. When I make my to-do list, I jot it down in English.

When I speak to some of my Indonesian friends, I speak in English (shame on me, said I still in English.) When I want to buy books, chances are, I buy English books.

So for my upcoming trip, I have decided to bring Indonesian books. Indonesian fictions. It has indeed been a long time. With all due respect. My apology.

“I don’t know”

2008-07-11T21:44:00.012+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
Some time ago I wrote an entry about how I do not like saying “I do not know.” I am confident that I am resourceful enough to know just about anything I want.

So even if I do not know the answer or solution at that very moment, I am sure I have a friend (of a friend of a friend) who does. Just give me some time and I will find the solution. A true believer in six degrees of separation.

But the other day, as I was having conversation with a friend, I asked him a question of why and he said he did not know. It was a question about feeling and I asked why he felt that way. He said he did not know, he just did.

I looked at him and said, “Isn’t that the most beautiful answer you can give me?” We both smiled. We both knew it was true.

Sometimes the most important questions in life should have “I don’t know” as their answer. Why do you love a person? I don’t know. I just do. Why do you choose to do this, not that? I don’t know. Because I want to. How come you look so happy? I don’t know. I just feel happy. Here. Inside. Do we really have to know the reason?

Looking back on recent events, I have used that "I don't know" answer on numerous occasions. I have decided on a lot of things—some are quite crucial—without really logically knowing the reasons. On some, the questions did not even crossed my mind, until somebody else has asked me. Even then, I sticked to my answer of “I don’t know.”

I don't mind not knowing. Because I know You know. And I trust You.

You cannot imagine how far I have traveled to come to this stage of not knowing. To know that I do not know and do not mind about it. In fact, I embrace it. Why? I don't know.

Choices in life

2008-07-11T21:35:00.004+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
A friend seems to have “Life is about choices" as her favorite quote recently. This has got me thinking. Is life really about choices? Do we really choose?

There are people who go by thinking that they are stuck with what they have now. That they have no other choices. Mostly perhaps because of economic reason, but more because people are not used to thinking there are other possibilities in life. That they can achieve a lot more if they only try, if they only believe.

Then there are people who start to think that life is about choices. We have so many options in life. We have the power to choose. I wonder whether the fact that we need to time to think to choose is because we do not know ourselves.

If you know you prefer tea to coffee, if you like strawberry ice cream and not chocolate, you don't even think about coffee or chocolate ice cream. Even if the coffee or chocolate is there, you do not see that as options, because it is not you. You will easily say "tea" and "strawberry" without thinking twice.

Moreover, who are we to say that we can control our life. A friend once said "control is an illusion." We think we have control but the next minute everything can fall apart without us being able to do anything about it. It sounds rather arrogant to think that we are the ones who are controlling our life, we are the ones who make all the choices.

Then there are people who just do. They just walk the path of life. They do not choose because they know the path has been set especially for them to walk on. They have belief. They make the most of what is in front of them, what has been served to them, because they know it is from 'Him' especially for them.

Next, there are people who just be. People who do not do just for the sake of doing what is in front of them, but because it comes somewhere from within. Because it is what they are. They consult their heart, not their mind.

Ultimately, there will come a time when what we 'want' is exactly the same as what He wants. We do not even talk about "being" because the only being is Him and nothing else. He is us but we are not really Him.

I am sure there are other explanations. But I shall stop here and end my note with what my friend wrote in her email. She said, “When you connect with your heart and act out of it, everything you do is true. Neither right or wrong. It just is. Your mind does not get in the middle. You just do it.

She continued, “When you work with yourself (insight), everything else outside gets in place. The heart plays such an important role, it becomes the bridge between your thoughts and actions and love needs an open heart to give and receive. The more open your heart is the more you can give and receive. ¨Him¨ is love.”

I am blessed. I know I am. Thank you.

Friendship

2008-07-11T00:51:00.007+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
As I was reading my earlier post just now--where I referred to a particular meeting with a certain friend as a gift, it dawned to me. The statement is not entirely correct and is actually rather ignorant. I should have said "any meeting with any friend is a gift."

In fact, any friend is a gift, period. And I am blessed with so many of them in this life. I just wish I do not disappoint them (or You) too much. I just hope that I can return their (or Your) favor somehow.

PS: Thank you (and You) for pointing that out to me last night.

hugs

2008-07-10T20:09:00.007+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
I just want to say it has been a wonderful, beautiful day.

Big thanks to you.

*Hugs. Hugs. Hugs.*

PS: No, I am still vegetarian.

Tree and humility

2008-07-06T20:45:00.009+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
Humility--a word that seldom exists in my dictionary, unfortunately. Working and living in this competitive modern fast world, pride or even arrogance seems to have taken me thus far in life. Modesty and humility have very little space.

Yet, humility seems to be my lesson of the month.

Four times, at least, the word humility has been hammered to my head. Two of them use tree as metaphor.

ONE
A story from Pak Merta Ade, Bali Usada. A king and his large entourage were walking around a garden. He saw this handsome tree, larger stronger than the others, bearing more fruits and leaves. He picked a couple of fruits and moved on. The entourage started to picked fruits from the same tree. When there were no more fruits, people started to picked the leaves, then the branches. The tree was left with very little.

The king has finished his round and saw what happened to the tree. He thought, "The grander you are (than others), the more spotlight will be on you, the more people would tend to (ab)use you. Better to be more modest and similar with others."

TWO
A beloved friend told me her conversation with another friend. The other friend pointed to a particular tree, skinny, few leaves etc. Yet, it is nurturing its surrounding, the best that it can, the way it should be. "That little tree that nobody notices," he said, "Be that tree. Be that tree." (I love this story).

THREE
That beloved friend herself. She is like a walking encyclopedia, especially on spirituality. But when you pass her on the street, you would not even lay an eye on her. She is so .. ordinary. She is being that tree. I have been trying to meet up with her but our schedule never meets. So when several days ago I met her, I told her it is like a gift from Him to me. I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to meet her again.

FOUR
From a weekend Beshara session. The whole session was about humility. Humility as a prerequisite to move on to another stage in life.

The text reads "Humility is in its broadest terms poverty of spirit; not poverty by lack, but by esteem of individuality; it is the acceptance of one’s limitations; in other words a realistic estimation of one’s self without aggrandizement of one’s egocentrically fabricated self-illusions.

In short, it is an honest appraisal of one’s being, which is tantamount to knowing oneself closely. Though in this close scrutiny of oneself is involved the fullest development of one’s possibilities in potential, which will eventually bring one to one’s fullest perfection, there is nevertheless a hideous and frightening list of one’s defects and shortcomings."

Four repetitions over a single lesson in one month. Either it is very important or I am that arrogant. Or both.

Randy Pausch's Last Lecture

2008-07-04T10:49:00.002+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
I just want to upload this first. Commentary later ;)

Later..

Signs and symbols

2008-06-29T16:52:00.015+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
I am a big believer in signs and symbols in life, signs and symbols of life. Life loves to drop us small--and not so small--hints on what we should learn and do.

Today, it says I am still not that good at reading those hints.

I was on my way to a friend’s place. I have never been there before. He was kind enough to email us the map. I studied it last night and carefully made a note.

Of course, this morning, I left my note at home. I only realized it when I was entering my friend's area. Sigh. Typical me, I thought. Right, let’s be positive. So I continued driving and tried to picture the route.

I followed that mental picture. I stopped and looked at the block number of the house where I stopped my car. “W. It is supposed to be N,” I thought, “I should return to the main road.”

As I made my turn, I looked to the left. There were several cars there. “That must be it,” I said to myself (Looking back, I am not sure why I thought that). I went over. Sure enough, it was my friend’s place.

I reran that mental map again in my head. I realized where I went wrong.

I missed that small staggered arrow-like turn. I turned left (green line) instead of taking that small right before turning left.

I do that in life as well. I forget the note I have previously made so carefully. I put that stamp “typical me” again and again on everything I think, say or do, until it really does become a typical me. I miss those small staggering unnatural turns that I need to make before heading to where I really want to go.

I paused to read the paragraph above. I too am being hard on myself.

Granted. Let us be kinder to self. If I pay enough attention to what I am doing, I can have very clear mental picture. I contemplate. I do not get that upset when I make mistake (not anymore). I just think of the next step and move on. I trust my instinct a lot and it has saved me in various occasions.

Still, today life tells me that I am passing up those hints that it has so kindly blessed me with – out of impatience, ignorance, and ego.

The truth, that is why I am still missing many hints, signs, and symbols from you as well – out of impatience, ignorance, and ego. Please don’t give up on me.

Mr. Zero

2008-06-24T11:17:00.011+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
Last weekend was a good one, with family and friends. I received one special gift from a friend.

The friend is the husband of a sister-like friend. It was actually the first time that I met him. He heard about my upcoming trip and my story.

He said, “I will give you Mr. Zero. I have been saving one up for anybody whom I think would be suitable.”

He got off, left the room, and returned bringing this yellow doll with the black writing “Mr. Zero” and “0” on the tummy.

I smiled. I understood the message. The same message that another friend once conveyed to me several months back.

A lateral thinking process. To zero out. To live without holding on too tight to preconceived ideas. To be (totally) open minded. A huge challenge for idealistic folks such as I am.

I supposed this attitude is more explicit in Buddhism than in any other traditions. This zero out attitude is the basis for mindfulness, which Bhante Gunaratana has described in great length

Mindfulness is nonjudgmental observation. It is that ability of the mind to observe without preference, criticism, or judgment. One is surprised by nothing. One simply takes a balanced interest in things exactly as they are in their natural states. One does not decide and does not judge. One merely observes.

Mindfulness is mirror-thought. An impartial watchfulness. Non-conceptual awareness. Present-time awareness. Non-egotistic alertness. Awareness of change. Participatory observation.

Mindfulness actually sees things. It does not think about them. It registers experiences, but it does not compare them. It does not label them or categorize them. It just observes everything as if it were occurring for the first time. It is not analysis, which is based on reflection and memory.

Mindfulness sees them directly, as they are, the true nature of all phenomena. It reminds us of what we are supposed to be doing.

It reminds me of what I am supposed to be doing. What I am supposed to be learning. What I am supposed to be remembering.

“When you face difficult situations—or any situation for that matter—zero out. Return to Mr. Zero. He will be your best friend,” my friend said. I know he is right.

I smiled. I understood the message. Thank you.

Mengenang Miko Protonema

2008-06-24T10:43:00.003+07:00

Apology to all non-Indonesian-speaking visitors. I am merely cutting and pasting from a friend's email. Some things are worth supporting.

Konser amal “dari teman untuk teman”
untuk mengenang Miko Protonema
Jam 12.00, 30 Jun 2008 - jam 03.00, 1 Jul 2008
Fame Station Bandung

Konser amal “dari teman untuk teman”untuk mengenang Miko Protonema adalah sebuah kegiatan yang bertujuan untuk memperoleh dana guna memberikan sedikit bantuan kepada keluarga yang ditinggalkan berupa asuransi pendidikan untuk Fiko, anak yang ditinggalkan Miko.

Miko memang bukan siapa-siapa. Namun kepergiannya memberikan inspirasi kepada kami teman-temannya, mungkin inilah moment yang dapat mempersatukan dan mendorong kami (segelintir orang Bandung dari berbagai komunitas yang bersentuhan dengan dunia kreatif, pertunjukkan, dan pehobi motor) untuk bergerak, berbuat sesuatu, menggali potensi lebih optimal, lebih produktif, menuju masa depan Bandung yang lebih baik, dan berbagi untuk sesama. Bandung Bergerak! Jadi selain untuk charity, event ini juga diharapkan menjadi tonggak kebangkitan dan perekat kebersamaan berbagai komunitas Bandung.

Event yang akan diselenggarakan dari pukul 12.00 tanggal 30 Juni 2008 hingga 03.00 tanggal 1 Juli 2008 di Fame Station Bandung ini, insya Allah dapat terselenggara karena dukungan dari berbagai pihak. Diantaranya: IKA Unpad yang menyediakan asuransi pendidikan untuk Fiko, Harian Umum Pikiran Rakyat sebagai media partner, serta banyak media lainnya.

Para musisi yang telah menyatakan kesediaannya untuk hadir dan berpartisipasi dalam kegiatan ini antara lain: PAS Band, Syaharani, Java Jive, Baron cs, Yuke-Dewa & Friend, Jodi Bedjo, Gugum Project Pop, Rocket Rockers, Speaker First, The Panas Dalam, Alone At Last, 4 Peniti, Boy Are Toys, Dirty Doll, 70 Orgasm, Cuts, Nudist Island, Time Bomb Blues, Bubble, Blue Fairy, Good Boy Badminton, Fresh Milk, Experience, Glory Of Love, The Patrol, Bad Boy Blues, The Ababiels Attack, Roullette, Red Arses, Hopelane, D’Army, Cronik, M.a.l.i, Freaky Famous dan lain-lain.

Kegiatan charity ini diprakarsai oleh Joe P Project yang dibantu oleh PASS17, 86 Community, Naracipta Production, Independent Network Indonesia dan Forum Event Bandung, serta banyak pihak lain yang tidak tersebutkan satu per satu.

NARACIPTA
P R O D U C T I O N

Rumah Musik Harry Roesli
Jl. Supratman 57 Bandung 40115
phone | fax 022 720 5890
mobile 0811 222 5678

event | talent | music | training
m a n a g e m e n t

June 22

2008-06-22T06:55:00.027+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
"What are you doing?"
"Come, sit here, I want to show you something."
"What?"
"This is the key to A, this one is the key to B. These are the documents for C while these are the documents for D. I keep them right here. Documents E I keep in the bank. This is the key to the safety box and the passkey is 123456."
"Why are you telling me these? Are you going somewhere?"

That was a conversation I once had with my father. Several weeks after the conversation, his health deteriorated for about eight months until he passed away.

June 22 was my father's birthday. Twenty-two was also my age when my father passed away. 22 divided by two, 11 (of June), is the day he passed away.

I wanted to use the words "when I lost him." But that did not sound right. I have never lost my father. He is still with me every step of the way. So I chose the words "passed away" instead. He has passed this stage of life and moved on to another.

...

I have not lit a candle for a long time. This (early) morning, I lit one for you, pop. Bringing about all our memories and the lessons (and habits) you have 'imposed' on me.

Activeness. Positiveness. Cynical snappy witty remarks. Curiosity. Detailed annoying series of questions. Strange meaningful wordless smile. Humility. Love for nature. Love for books. Attention to details, and attentiveness to the people around us.

Being pragmatic and idealistic at the same time. Being straightforward. Daring to try something new (even if we are totally blank about it and can potentially humiliate ourselves).

Listening to other people without letting them dictate what we do. Doing things our way (Tradition. Why do we need to maintain them anyway? You once questioned. Typical you). Minding own business. Speaking only when necessary. Reading gesture and situation.

Allowing. Letting go. Walking through. Appreciating. Enjoying life. Relaxing. Praying. Living. Loving family, and loving mom.

Obviously I have not mastered them all, but, hey, I am learning.

I remember the times when we were not so keen on each other (Not so keen? That's an understatement of the century.). Or rather, when I was not so keen on you. Then I thought, why bother. I knew it was a process. My process, and perhaps yours as well (or is that karma? :p). Still, I apologize if I have hurt you and mom.

Thank you (and mom and God) for helping me get where I am today, pop. Thank you for giving me the freedom to grow to be what I want to be. For allowing me to make mistakes and learn from them, while standing about two steps behind, watching, guarding, caring, loving.

I feel like I am entering a new phase of my life soon, pop. Stand by me, will you? It is a territory you know very well--much better than most people in my life do.

Persona: Tita!

2008-06-15T14:33:00.009+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
(Anybody who knows me knows that I am not the biggest fan of exclamation mark. So this must be pretty special).

Kompas dailies. Today. Page 11. “Buku” column.

I just want to say how proud I am to see a review about a book a friend has written (or drawn/sketched). I know she keeps a comic diary. I had the pleasure to read them quite some time ago. And I am ecstatic to know that she has finally managed to publish it.

This enormously gifted high school friend of mine is special for so many reasons. Among them, one, everybody—and I mean everybody—can see how gifted she is as a graphic artist.

Two, she is kind and idealistic beyond comprehension, and somehow manage to live with such belief. Three, the most laid back witty person/friend/wife/mom/lecturer I have ever encountered.

Tita is a wife, a mother of two, a lecturer in Bandung with a passion on sustainable product design, a friend, a graphic/product designer. A coffee-mate whenever we are in the same town.

You can find Tita in her esduren blog.

Some people are blessed with such great gift. Hm, no, scratch that. Some people are blessed with realization of their gift, and the guts to stay true to it.

We all have our unique gift. Only a few realize it. Even fewer utilize it.

¡Viva la vida!

Note: Arif Mulyadi - Hijrah

2008-06-15T13:22:00.006+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
This time we discuss about "hijrah", an Arabic term which implies a move towards the better (point) in life. Hijrah starts with the desire to improve oneself. For hijrah to be blessed by Him, we need to refer to His rules. The rules of The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful.

The definition of God as the Most Gracious, The Most Merciful, which implies God as Love is universally accepted. The 'correct' way of living is thus by radiating such love in every second of life. That we always do good deeds, full of love, to all.

The components of hijrah are remembrance (of God) and thankfulness. The implementation is by consistently acting out of love as described by the Holy Book. The output is taqwa (awareness of God as one moves through life) and good deeds.

The remembrance of God is the true meaning of "shalat", prayer. To remember (His dos and donts), to do what He has asked us to do and to avoid what He has forbid us to do. To remember as much as we can every second of our life.

Thankfulness for all the blessings we have: the body, the soul (the sight, hearing, touch, feeling, smell and thoughts). By using them and taking care of them as best as we can.

The Holy Book Al Qur’an is used as the main guidance in life. To be read, studied, understood, applied and shared. Muhammad has created quite a comprehensive reminder system (the five pillars of Islam, Adzan, Iqamah) to help us remember at all times.

The Hijrah is a lifetime process. This is fortitude. The true Jihad. As best as we can. It is all a process.

[There was an interesting conversation about mosque. As with the misconception in shalat, there is a misconception about mosque (masjid in Arabic). The word masjid means a place to bow. Conceptually speaking, the place for one to bow resides within one's heart.

So God's true 'home' is within the heart of the believer. The act of remembrance of God is done within one's own heart (masjid). I like this concept ☺.]

Full note (in Indonesian) can be downloaded from here.

Too painful

2008-06-11T10:40:00.012+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
Have you ever prayed or dzikr (invocation) the whole time you listen to a friend’s story? I have. Yesterday afternoon.

I called a friend to ask how she was doing and why she did not come to our discussion session last weekend. She gave me a long answer. And the whole time, I could not say anything but prayed.

“It was too painful (physically) to go,” she said. Ouch.

My friend suffered from cancer years ago. Her cancer is no longer there, but the treatments she received throughout the years have damaged her body for life.

She is honestly one of the toughest person I know.

Once another friend recommended her to listen to this spiritually soothing music to ease the pain. I answered for her, "I think we cannot talk to her about pain. She knows more about pain than you and I put together."

Yesterday was no different. The voice was just as positive and vibrant, though always with a vague taste of irony. She told me about the treatment she has been receiving lately. The medical doctors have given up on her, so she went with alternative (faith) healing.

The most recent one is somewhere in Central Java. She took train to the nearest town and got on another bus to get to the healing center.

The treatment was, to my mind, incomprehensible. My friend is as logical as I am. So I know how desperate she must have been if she has decided to take it.

“Let’s meet this weekend,” I said, “I’ll come to your place.”

“You are very welcome to come. Saturday morning I am doing my batik course but not sure whether I am strong enough to go this week. Call me first,” she answered lightly.

She stayed silent for a second or two and continued, “No, wait, I need to go to hospital to get my morphine injection this weekend. I am afraid it has to be the next weekend then.”

This weekend or next. Or the weekends after. I'll come. I'll make time.

Coffee time

2008-06-10T06:04:00.009+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
What better way to enjoy coffee (or herbal tea, or fresh lemon juice) but with those we hold so close to our heart. Sometimes with family, self, and books, but more often than not, with friends.

Be it in the mornings, noons, sunsets, or evenings. By the road or by the river. Coffee is never dull given the right company.

Added with little sugar and nothing else, perhaps a dab of fresh milk now and then. Full cream, never low fat. But always with those intimate chats that bring smile to my face and to my heart.

Be it small chats about nothing. Like the day we discussed why there was only that one single tree on top of the hill, whether that cloud looked more like a bear or a bunny.

And when we weighed whether we should compile this pointless (but enchanting) conversations we had in a book titled "The inspired conversationalists."

Or when you remind me that "control is an illusion." A gentle greet that goes straight to the heart for a perfectionist, like you and me.

Or more profound topics. You know what they are.

Or that time you stated your certainty about what to come. I too am looking forward to the day when we sit in the same international conference, me as (a consultant to) a politician and you as international human rights defender.

And the coffee we will have afterwards. "That's the best part," you said.

Once you asked why I knew you so well, "Is it because you are that sensitive? Or whether you can relate to my stories?" I would love to think that I am the former.

But now I realize, more and more, that it is the latter. Just like what that "If life is a game, these are the rules" small book another friend gave me yesterday says: "Others are only mirrors of you." As with you to me, and vice versa.

Coffee is always warming. Lemon juice refreshing.

Today I celebrate friendship. Because I remember you.

Belated happy birthday.

Flash backs

2008-06-07T16:28:00.008+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
Let’s talk about cleaning up a bit more. Looks like this particular last couple of weeks have been especially intense on the matter.

Last night as I watched a Disney channel movie, Bruce Willis’s character was told that he has been too vain to think that it is he who is helping the younger him (the younger him traveled through time to meet him).

True, perhaps the younger him can learn a thing or two, but the younger him is also there to help him remember. Help him remember. There has been many of those occurrences in my life lately.

I have been (re-)introduced to some 'crazy' friends, which remind me how to laugh so hard about non-important matters. People who can joke and talk lightly about everything, even about things that have hurt them in life.

Different people with different kinds of craziness. But somehow, they are all me. Some feel like they have been brought from my past specifically to remind me of myself then. (he he, so vain)

That coffee with a friend on Wednesday night has especially done it for me. My friend and I spoke and laughed about a lot of things. We spoke about the past, the present, about work, social life, and relationships. We spoke about how and why.

Our attitudes/personalities have changed in sync with our work and stages of life. And how we have changed. The words or action we said or did to people back then, we do not have the heart to say or do them to people now. Or so help us, God.

That conversation is a reminder of where I have been coming from. A reminder of what I have become now. Perhaps a reminder that I should always have that lighter silly almost-crazy side with me. That I need to stay insane to keep my sanity.

Or, maybe, it is just a sign that I have been trying too hard to stay away from the past (for good reasons, I thought) and create this new stronger much more matured identity.

Those pasts. At first we dwell upon them and we feel terrible about ourselves. Then we push them so deep within us and (we think) we are over them. Then we realize they are still there, still hurting.

We defend ourselves by rejecting them altogether, without realizing that we are not really over them. We merely become angry, bitter, or at least skeptical about them.

That conversation on Wednesday night made me think that the past is not that bad. It is part of the building blocks that have made me what I am today.

It is what makes life, life. Accept. Enjoy. Let it flow. Learning to do so. Bit by bit. And not to forget, a pitch of madness to ease the way.

Thank you. All of you.

Cleaning up

2008-06-07T16:22:00.008+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
I went up to my “office/reading” corner at home today. I did not like what I see. Too much clutter. I bet there were many things that I could actually live without.

I wondered when was the last time I sorted them all out. Um, too long.

It was time to put some sort of order in this corner and did some cleaning up.

So I spent the half of the morning and half of the afternoon doing so. I took out all the papers, books, and what have you, spread them all over the space, and started to review them one by one: chuck it out, or keep. If I keep it, where I should keep it.

It is not finished yet, but I am happy with this temporary result.

This is physical cleaning up. Easy stuff (Tell that to the government). Emotional cleaning up is another matter. And I did some as well this week(end).

I cannot remember when the last time my (work) schedule was as hectic as it has been in the last couple of months. I have been missing out on my morning ‘rituals’, my workout, my coffee with friend/book time, and (would you believe) my weekends as well.

The problem with such condition, in my case, is that it almost always brings to the surface that moody side of me and—at the same time, worse—all the emotional baggages that have lied dormant for quite some time. In waking hours and in dreams.

So earlier this week, on Thursday late afternoon, I decided to go home early. The body could not take it anymore. The mind and soul even less.

And I did to myself what I did to my office corner: I took out all the mental papers, spread them over the mental floor so that I can see them all, and started to review them one by one. Chuck it out or keep it. Put some sort of order to it.

As with the office corner, I have not finished cleaning this one up yet either. But I am happy with the temporary results.

EFT

2008-06-06T22:25:00.005+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
I have been toying with the various ways for me to write this all day, the way I usually write on this blog. But I cannot find a single idea. So I shall just say this directly.

… I have never seen you look as tired as you did last night. Perhaps it is time to give yourself a break. Why don’t you try that emotional freedom technique (EFT) I showed you a while ago?

Who am I kidding? Why don’t we both give ourselves a break. Let us both try that EFT. Or perhaps we should try a more extreme remedy.

On becoming freelancer

2008-06-03T20:15:00.006+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
Three years ago I met this amazing person. My first encounter with her, however accidental it may seem, as she beautifully put it, “was anything but coincidental. It was a happy meeting of two long lost friends.”

About three months ago, she asked me questions about freelancing. Yesterday I received her happy note that she has finally taken the step to be one. (No, I am not at all suggesting you to do the same. Not right away, at least. Not time yet).

We agree that freelancing is not about feeling of being robbed. It is about redesigning our life to fit our priorities and to put our guiding principles into practice the best way we know.

We believe that if one follows the call and walks the spiritual path, everything in the universe will orchestrate to make the door open for her/him. It all will flow naturally for everyone who follows the call of her faith.

Otherwise, restlessness will always be with us.

How do one know when one is ready or built for freelancing? If we still have that question, then chances are we are not ready. We do it “just because”. We do not really think about it.

When our subconscious or something inside us knows that it is just the thing we should do. It feels like the natural thing to do. It is our path and (for now) we see no other way. This is the best reason. Probably the only reason.

Needless to say, freelancing takes some sort of stability and certainly confidence to take the steps. After that, it is all about self discipline, relentless efforts of networking, building one’s capabilities and self-marketing.

Nobody is there to watch our back now. Nobody will promote us but us. We are on our own. At the same time, we need to allow ourselves enough slack to have a rest, relax and enjoy life.

At some point in our life, we are called to do what we are supposed to do in this life. Some hear and head the call. When we do, it all flows so naturally.

And at another point down the road, life, work, and spirituality merge. At this time, spirituality becomes a life-time and only profession that is constantly practiced in our daily life. How beautiful that will be.

The best recommendation there is, is to believe.

Allow me to quote you, “Practicing Buddha Dharma for me is not just an activity that one fills into her 'a day in life' pie chart. To me it's a life-time profession and it needs constant practice in order to engage the knowledge into one's daily life. So my goal is to have freedom of time to practice, to help others, and just-enough money to pay the rent and to save for the rainy days.”

Beautifully put, as always. I do hope you keep this close to your heart. And remember this whenever things get a little rough or doubts arise. The honor and the pleasure of meeting and befriending you are mine.

A year with Rumi has passed

2008-06-03T09:52:00.013+07:00

Yesterday I bid farewell to my beloved A year with Rumi. I gave it to a friend.

Hey, remember when I showed you the book a couple of weeks ago? You should have seen that bright glare, those twinkles, huge inner smile in your eyes when you read them.

That book is yours, not mine. For sure.

I am going to read you my most favorite poem of all from the book.

A door

I have lived on the lip
of insanity, wanting to know reasons,
knocking on a door. It opens.
I’ve been knocking from the inside.

Coleman Barks' A year with Rumi: Daily Readings. Nov 8.

Thank you. So so very much.

Pic taken from here.

Three Rumi's for today

2008-05-31T21:32:00.004+07:00

Today I will let three Rumi's poems speak for me. For I know no other persons who can write from the heart better than him. Yet.

A SUBTLE TRUTH

If you want money more than anything,
you will be bought and sold.

If you have a greed for food,
you will become a loaf of bread.

This is a subtle truth.
Whatever you love, you are.

***
A DYING DOG

A dog is dying on the road.
A man is weeping beside him. A beggar comes by.

Why the tears? This dog hunted game for me.
He kept watch at night.
Many times he drove away thieves.

What’s wrong? Hunger has weakened him.
What’s in the bag? Your food sack looks full.

Those are leftovers from last night.
I’ll eat them later.
Give a little to the dog.

I give him these tears instead.
They are easier to come by.
Food of the road costs hard-earned money.

The beggar curses the man and leaves.
The beggar is right. The man’s values are reversed.
Tears are worth more than money.
Tears are blood distilled into water.

Pay attention to those who want to change
so badly that they cry and dissolve
into loving kindness and freedom.

***
SILKWORMS

The hurt you embrace
becomes joy.

Call it to your arms
where it can change.

A silkworm eating leaves
makes a cocoon.

Each of us weaves a chamber
of leaves and sticks.

Silkworm begin to truly exist
as they disappear inside that room.

Without legs, we fly.
When I stop speaking,

this poem will close,
and open its silent wings…

From Coleman Barks’s A year with Rumi, Dec 27, Dec 12, and Oct 23.

Two years Lapindo

2008-05-28T10:17:00.008+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
Today Kompas Dailies put a huge pic of Lapindo mud. It says it all.
I think it is high time for us to stop complaining about our life and start feeling thankful for a change, and start sharing.

.start doing something. anything.

Walk The World

2008-05-27T23:57:00.004+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]

Something is just worth supporting.

In the midst of hunger and malnutrition in our country.

72 religions

2008-05-22T17:25:00.004+07:00

Rumi’s love and honor for all religious traditions was not always popular in his day, and often provoked criticism from the more dogmatic.

A story is told that one such public challenge came from a Muslim dignitary, Qonavi, who confronted Rumi before an audience.

“You claim to be at one with 72 religious sects,” said Qonavi, “but the Jews cannot agree with the Christians, and the Christians cannot agree with Muslims. If they cannot agree with each other, how could you agree with them all?”

To this Rumi answered, “Yes, you are right, I agree with you too.”

He he. Hear, hear, teach.

-taken from The Discourses of Rumi.

National awakening day - 1

2008-05-22T13:27:00.006+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
Heard this song yesterday at a client's event. It has managed to give me the chill every time I listen to it. Every single time.

Indonesia Jaya
First made famous by Harvey Malaiholo

Hari-hari terus berlalu
Tiada pernah berhenti
Seribu rintangan jalan berliku
Bukan suatu penghalang

Hadapilah segala tantangan
Mohon petunjuk yang kuasa
Ciptakanlah kerukunan bangsa
Kobarkanlah dalam dada
Semangat jiwa Pancasila

Hidup tiada mungkin
Tanpa perjuangan
Tanpa pengorbanan
Mulia adanya
Berpeganglah tangan
Satu dalam cinta
Demi masa depan
Indonesia jaya

Perfect song for Indonesia's national awakening day. Wake up.

That night

2008-05-18T10:30:00.012+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
I lay awake in bed, a familiar comfy bed of mine. Yet not comfy enough to put myself to sleep. I am wide awake.

It is dark and chilly. The rain is pouring down hard outside. I can feel the breeze. Cold. The street starts to lose its capacity to contain the water. An overflow is unavoidable. It is a matter of time.

I can sense the mouses, white mouses, just outside my bedroom getting restless. They know the water is coming. Into their home.

Then all hell breaks loose. The rainwater pours into the mouses' home. They run. Out of their home and into my room. They pass by me. Up my back and down again. There are so many of them. Too many. I can feel each mouse coming up my back and jumping off from my shoulders.

I shudder a bit, naturally. I can feel the tingling sense but somehow I am not panicking. Even when one is stuck somewhere in my upper back and I have to take it off. I understand.

Their house has been flooded. They are the ones who are panicking, not I am. They have the right to be. I understand. So I let them pass. I watch, I sense them pass.

I walk into the kitchen. The sun is already shining brightly. It looks like the hard rain has chased all the clouds away, temporarily. It is a large middle age kitchen. White wall. Burgundy tiling. Wooden doors.

Ah, the large wooden doors. Majestic. There are three of them. One going to the living area, one to the backyard, and another to the garage.

My sister walks in and asks why there are so many doors. Actually, she is asking why there are doors at all. “Take them all off,” she says. We do as we have been told. She is right. The sun now shines into the house. It feels much breezier, much fresher.

The whole family takes a stroll outside. Quite a large close-knitted group walking happily together. I have a sense of where we are going, so I am wondering why we take the long way round.

The sister is there again. I ask her why and she simply says, “Because the children want to.” As if that explains everything. It probably does. Because I ask no more questions. No more. I know it is going to be ok.

A rare desire to share. Until next time, if there is any.

PS: Floor, I have found the green book you gave me. We both know what that means.

I am still struggling to find the balance though. Perhaps it takes more time to readjust. Re-adjust, because I am adjusting yet once again.

Hunger – 2

2008-05-12T23:59:00.003+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
Some time ago, a friend forwarded me this link, which tells a story about an animal pound in the city where animals are needlessly suffering and some are left to die. *sigh*

It is the hunger topic again. This time it is about animals. Yet another tear drop from my eyes.

I promised that friend that I would put this up on my blogs, hoping somehow it will make a difference. Apology for the long delay.

It is a wonder how we often fall for animals, but not for human. We feel the pity when we see animals in pain, but choose to ignore humans who are in agony.

Or maybe it is just too painful for us to see, that we decide to look away and move on with our beautiful happy life, probably out of fear of getting hurt inside.

I think, as are children, animals are there to touch us deeper, with their innocence, honesty, and vulnerability.

When trust, unconditional love, and affection start to grow from within us, we can extend ourselves and learn to love others as well. To be affectionate and lend our hands to animals, nature and humankind alike.

Look who is learning to love now. And we thought we were the ones who are doing them a favor.

Hunger - 1

2008-05-12T23:54:00.004+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
I have been postponing to write this entry for quite some time. I saw the news on TV quite a while ago about hunger in this country.

A mother and her two young sons died of hunger at home. Malnutrition everywhere in certain regions. Hunger in the middle of this very city that I live in, whose streets I pass by every single day. I really don't think I need to put a picture here.

My heart broke. My tears as well.

To think that there is hunger in this tropical agricultural maritime country is beyond my common sense. To think that it happens on my doorstep without me--us?--doing anything much is beyond tolerance.

I sms-ed several friends. I received heart warming responses.

I know there is a vast, beyond-my-comprehension problem in the country that has led us to this situation, both the hunger and the ignorance. I understand very well that there should be a structural—almost political—change to improve the situation. I know.

Still, one response which the little ordinary me hold dearest to my heart was an invitation to do what we can, to be kind and attentive to those who are around us.

That office boy who serves us coffee everyday at work. That personal/taxi/bus/bajaj driver who takes us places at almost always “the speed of light”. That street hawker, that vegetable seller, that boy in the red-white stripe T shirt which we might not even notice.

Do we know whether they will have food on their table tonight? Do we know whether their kids have been well fed and have managed to stay in school? Do we even care?

I have been postponing to write this entry for quite some time. Because I did not know the solution to this problem. I still do not.

But perhaps that is my very problem. That is our problem. We feel so puzzled, insignificant and powerless that we do not do anything. At all.

It is time to do something. Anything. Start giving. Please.

Old friends, old me

2008-05-12T22:51:00.004+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
You know how you feel that you have traveled so far sometimes only to find out that you are still the old you? That you have not changed that much?

That is how I feel now. I have met some new friends this last month and rekindled with some old ones.

How they have managed to take me back through time and rediscover the person that I have not been for such a long time.

Hey me, it has indeed been a long time. I did not realize how much I have missed me. I had a great time.

Lightness in my heart. Big grin on my face. And malfunction in the brain :p

Turns out that me is not so bad after all. Perhaps it is time to let that me shines for yet one more time, with a slight twist courtesy of time.

*hugs*

Postpone the desire

2008-05-05T00:56:00.011+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
My sister has just returned from a parenting training. They discussed a lot of things. Among which was the fact that the trainer advised the participants to train their children to postpone their (meaning: the children's) desire.

When children ask for something, parents do not necessarily have to obey the wishes immediately. Delay them appropriately. Give a pause between the wishes and the fulfillment.

This, the trainer said, would train the children to have pauses in life. To not act reactively (instinctively and emotionally) at that very instance. To think before they respond to any stimuli in life. Thus, to act wisely. Ouch.

Very interesting, I thought. What a great habit to teach in such a simple manner. I know it is best to think before we act. I know that it is good to postpone one’s desire. But I never link the two together, at least not when it comes to child-rearing activities.

I will let my two great teachers tell the rest of the story in this entry.

Jalal-ad-din Rumi said that, “The beginning of pride and hatred lies in worldly desire, and the strength of your desire is from habit. When an evil tendency becomes confirmed by habit, rage is triggered when anyone restrains you.”

Then he said, “If you are irritated by every rub, how will you be polished?” Good one, teach. How should we do this? How do we restrain our desire? Along came my other teacher, Al Ghazali.

In his book Disciplining the Soul (which probably ranks among the most influential books in my life), Al-Ghazali quoted Yahya ibn Muadh al Razi, “Fight your soul with the sword of self-discipline. These are four: eating little, sleeping briefly, speaking only when necessary, and tolerating all the wrongs done to you by men. For eating little slays desire, sleeping briefly purifies your aspirations, speaking little saves you from afflictions, and tolerating wrongs will bring you to the goal—for the hardest thing for a man is to be mild when snubbed and to tolerate the wrongs which are done against him.” (Al Ghazali, Disciplining the Soul, p57)

You’re absolutely right. Tolerating wrongs is among the most challenging task. How can I hold myself from confronting the people who have snubbed or wronged me? When should I say something and when I should remain silent?

He (Al Ghazali) then said, “A man once enquired Umar ibn Abd Al-Azis, ‘When should I speak?’ And he replied, ‘Whenever you wish to remain silent.’ ‘And When should I be silent?’ the man asked, and Umar replied, ‘Whenever you wish to speak.’ (Al Ghazali, Disciplining the Soul, p59)

I nodded my head. Right. But then, I became puzzled with the statement. Looks like I am still learning.

Let’s just start from the beginning then. Like what my sister’s trainer said. Postpone the desire. Ours. Not the children's.

All the options in the world

2008-05-03T13:34:00.012+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
I was traveling out of town recently. I took the public transport to go just about anywhere. I did not mind at all. In fact, I enjoyed it.

Until on the last evening, I was about to meet a friend at a place where my usual mode of transport did not exist. So I took a taxi instead, due to lack of time and probably lack of energy to explore other options.

As I sat at the back seat of the taxi, I gazed through the taxi window, enjoying the beautiful houses, trees, cars, and lights that passed me by. I realized the luxury of taking a taxi, a comfy vehicle dedicated only to take you personally anywhere you want.

Then I hit me. I have taken a humbler mode of mass transport throughout the journey, but I always, always, always have that other more-privileged option(s) had I wanted to.

As with the many cases in my life.

The likes of Linked-in and Facebook have allowed us to reconnect with long lost friends. One day I showed a friend (professional) titles of several old friends, high up in the management ladder.

I said, “Look at them. Look at me. What am I compared to them?” I paused and I continued, “I am a person who choose not to be.”

I could be like them if I wanted to. I know I have that option. An option which I did not take. Well, the option that I once took but no more.

The truth is I am blessed with all the options in the world—probably much more than many other people are. To which a dear friend wisely responded, “Then use it well. Make the best choice possible.”

So I reverted to You to make the choice for me, as I know nobody else would be able to make such grand choice(s). Not in the way You can.

Thank you. And, as always, Thank You.

No more questions

2008-05-03T12:08:00.010+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
I had lunch with a dear friend, a mentor last Friday. I had quite a number of things to do at work, but when she called, I could not possibly say no.

She now lives abroad and is visiting the town for a couple of days. We have not had a chat for a long time.

That very dear friend was the one who ‘guided’ me throughout my ups and downs (and downs) about two to four years ago. At that time, I had so many questions and uncertainties. Restless. Fatigue.

Yet she patiently guided me throughout my journey, whether it was the journey out of town or the journey within.

Her first suggestion, I remember, was to “slow down everything. Do one thing at one time. Let your body and mind relax. If your process to surrender is through meditation and prayer, then do it.

Don’t force the process using your thought. Our mind is our obstacle. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart & lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight"

Release all your wants, needs, request, expectation, thoughts. Breathe slowly with only one thing in the consciousness, that we are His. Let Him work with us and accept anything and everything that He gives you every single day.

Look, feel, smell and touch everything around you. The floor, wall, house, road, tree, people, car, paper, words, language, music, sounds, flower. Anything, each day, each second.

Until one day you will understand, then you will burst to deep tears. Tears of happiness, joy and understanding.”

Those beautiful words marked the start of the journey of a lifetime that had been postponed for a long time, too long.

Yesterday, however, was a different chat. We talked and laughed about work and life. It was a dialog rather than a consultation. It was heart-warming still and pleasurable.

As we entered the car to return to our 'real life', I told her, “I have no more questions.” I have been asking a lot of questions all my life about life itself, but now I am left speechless without any question to ask.

There is no point of asking or questioning, when deep inside you already know that you know. Or at least, believe.

Saturday morning

2008-05-03T10:02:00.010+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
What a great start for the weekend.

Having finished an email for a certain Uncle Bill, I had a conference chat with two of my dearest friends. (We were all online at 8am Saturday. Is it a wonder that we are friends? *sigh*).

The chat started with “all ready with your own cup of tea”? :)

I was not. So I quickly went and got my warm cup. (Weirdos. Love you to bits). Then we went on chatting about everything and nothing.

In the midst of the chat, my brother—who is always a cook enthusiast—called for a real breakfast. He has prepared tomato omelette and two types of garlic bread for us all.

I took small breaks in between the chat to have some quick bites (and answered some text messages plus wrote this entry).

My mom, brother and cousin were at the dining table, with, needless to say, Miauw the cat—an integral part of the family.

It is now 11AM and I am still chatting with friends and fam.

What a great start for the weekend. *Big warm hugs*

Candles and I

2008-05-01T22:32:00.007+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]

Candles and I go a long long way back. Any close friends of mine would tell you "Oh Eva and her candles..[sigh]". Just to give you an idea of how fascinated I am toward this simple thing.

I am not sure how my fascination to candles or candle-like atmosphere started. They are just simply amazing. The warmth that glows from their light is so enticing, almost seductive.

I can sit still for quite a while just to gaze at its light or to enjoy the color it has created in the surrounding area. I feel at peace. Warm. Smile.

So when a friend gave me a candle holder (along with several candles) as a present that 'suits me', it was a sure bet. Good instinct.

Hatur nuhun kangge hadiahna. Teu nginten. Tadi enjing parantos ngawitan nyarengan meditasi sareng padamelan abdi. Karaos haneuteun :)

Jesus!

2008-04-27T10:37:00.005+07:00

I went to Starbucks the other day. The place was packed as usual. This young cheerful chubby male barista greeted me, with a huge smile and enthusiastic voice.

I caught a glimpse of the barista’s name tag. It read “Jesus”.

No wonder Starbucks is doing so well these days :p

"On my own"

2008-04-27T09:02:00.009+07:00

Hey, Son, I came across this music video.

Sure brings back a lot of memories and emotions, as only you and a selected few have witnessed.

The video could not have been more eighties. But with eyes closed, the words and music still do their magic. *snif*

On My Own - the lyrics
Sometimes I wonder where I've been
Who I am
Do I fit in.
Make believin' is hard alone,
Out here on my own

We're always provin' who we are
Always reachin' for the risin' star
To guide me far
And shine me home
Out here on my own

When I'm down and feelin' blue
I close my eyes so I can be with you
Oh, baby, be strong for me
Baby, belong to me
Help me through
Help me need you

Until the morning sun appears
Making light of all my fears
I dry the tears
I've never shown
Out here on my own

When I'm down and feelin' blue
I close my eyes so I can be with you
Oh, baby, be strong for me
Baby, belong to me
Help me through
Help me need you

Sometimes I wonder where I've been
Who I am
Do I fit in
I may not win
But I can't be thrown
Out here on my own
On my own

Remember? Because I do.

So what?

2008-04-26T01:59:00.004+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
Every communications person would know the 5W1H principle – the who what where when why and how of telling a story. And to some, there is another important question: so what? Why should the audience care about it?

So what was also the question that came to mind when I chatted with a friend a couple of nights ago. A kind man who likes to chat with (extra-ordinary) ordinary people. He likes to sit around the sidewalk to chat with the likes of street hawkers.

I do too. It is amazing to hear their stories. They always manage to put me back in my place, to feel thankful but at the same time to feel that I am nothing compared to them.

At that night during my conversation with friend, the question just popped out of my mouth: so what? So you like to listen to their stories, so what? What are you going to do about the stories? How are you going to use these stories to help make change, to self and to others?

I think that is a question that should ask more often to myself. So I like spiritual discussions. So I like yoga. So I like talking to my stuff animal. So I like writing this blog. So what? How would that make me a better person? How would that benefit others around me?

Thanks for the chat. And the reminder.

Home sweet home

2008-04-26T01:51:00.006+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
Today has been tiring, physically and emotionally. It has been a very long day as well. I woke up at five a.m. after only three hours of sleep. Then off to work. And work. And work. Until about six-seven in the evening. Then I went to a friend’s place (little old ambitious me) until about 12.30 a.m. Dead tired.

That is, until I arrived at home at 1 a.m. Then I somehow felt completely refreshed. And started to turn on my computer to write this entry.

Earlier today I SMS-ed a friend because I was weighing what I should do tomorrow. Let’s see. I have three religious/spiritual discussion groups that I can choose from. Then I said, there is always an option to stay home. She said: home.

She was of course absolutely right. If I need to choose out of all four options, which is the most spiritually relaxing activity? It would be to stay at home.

It is amazing what home can do to you. Thank You.

As you said, until now, there is no other place on earth that we feel most comfortable in. Well, for us the fortunate ones. There are people who do not have a home. There are people who have big house(s) yet never feel at home. We are indeed the lucky ones.

PS: one statement from the discussion in the friend's house earlier tonight: "Act of kindness is the universal truth." Beautiful.

I asked for a small chapel…

2008-04-23T23:40:00.012+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
I kept being drawn to this area. Well, “pulled” would be a better word. You kept giving me ‘reasons’ to go there.

First, it was the temptation to go to that favorite outdoor shop of mine. I resisted. Then a friend asked if I could buy her a product which rumors have it is sold in that area. I still resisted and bought the product in a different shop in different area instead.

At last, You have managed to get me there because another friend insisted for us to meet near that area. Fine, I will go there.

And so I went. After my lunch, I went about the neighborhood. Grudgingly. You have got me here, and now what? Unfair. Show me a sign. I went to the outdoor shop and did not see anything that tickled my fancies. Right, I still don’t know what I am here for.

Suddenly. Taa daah.. Singapore’s Saint Andrew’s Cathedral. Wow. Yesterday I asked God to show me a Catholic church. A favorite refuge of mine. Yesterday I did not find any. Then I forgot all about it.

I supposed someone still remembers.

And more.

I have only asked for a simple small catholic church, or even a chapel, for me to sit still in silence. You have given me the cathedral instead.

.speechless.

A perfect reflection

2008-04-23T22:15:00.010+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
This is the second time in a row I have used the word “perfect”. Life must be good.

We sat together for the thousandth time. And each time, it was a bliss.

A perfect afternoon (the sun was smiling wide and the sky was so blue) in a perfect café (good food, helpful staff, nice crowd) and us sitting by the window overlooking the green square and people passing by around us.

We talked a bit about work. We talked more on personal life. We talked families, feelings, and journeys. We talked about our happiness and restlessness.

I think there is very little that I would not say to you. I will answer anything that you ask. I tell you all things that you do not.

We talked about us being the eternal strong one. The problem solver in love and life. People living a simple life with nothing to hide.

A life so simple that there is nothing for us to tell. Not a single complain. Life is simple. Life is good. All is well. We are strong.

Until one moment during that conversation, the harsh truth sank in. (Oops, I have just seen you gone online! At this odd hour). We have been just too pride to admit or even to realize. The fortress is so high that even we cannot see what is inside. All is good, all is made of strong stones.

Allow yourself to be weak, to be fragile, I said. Or was it you who said it? It is not that important. It does not matter. It is the same. The statement goes both ways. As usual.

Because you are my perfect reflection. What I say to you, I say to myself. Your stories are my stories. When I listen to you, I listen to myself, with great joy and sadness. What you feel (or you think you feel) is always something scarily familiar to me.

No wonder I never hesitate to tell you stories. From the first time. I am merely talking to myself. There is nothing to be ashamed of. You know. Because somehow you are.

I love you as a dear friend. Always have. Always will. Thank you for being such a translucent mirror, a perfect reflection for me. However reluctant we are to admit it occasionally.

I had a great stress-relieving time. Thank you.

PS: Remember that picture we took together that came out blur? Hmph. Perhaps some things are better kept to self. Or rather, just between you and me. The garbage can for each other.

A perfect trip

2008-04-23T06:47:00.005+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
“So how was your trip?” a friend asked. I answered directly, “It was perfect.” Without any doubt or hesitation.

Does that sound too positive? Perhaps. Nevertheless, that is how I feel about the trip. I will not talk details here. But just to give you an idea.

It was only a short trip. About five days four nights. A one and a half hour flight which I have taken many times. But this time, it feels different.

It was the right time. To chill. To get away for a bit.

It was the right balance between time alone, time with books, and time with friends. I did not realize how long it has been since I last traveled alone. I did not realize how much I have missed it.

It was the right mix of friends. Those whom I hold so dear to me. Those whom I have not seen for quite some time. Those with whom I can be my relaxed and open self.

It was the right place to stay. The apartment of an old friend. One of my dearest friends who has watched me—who has allowed me to— grow to be what I am today. I could not have picked a better place to stay for this trip.

It was the right activities. Chilling out at the apartment. Chatting with friends. Having lunch, dinner, and coffee. (some work-related deadlines and not-so-work-related emails). Watching cartoon on TV. Getting therapies. Hablando con mis amigas españolas. Learning about the therapy. People-spotting. Doing nothing. Shopping. More chatting. Glaring. Reading books. Oh and walking. That’s a nice one. Long slow strolls.

And I am officially in love with Craniosacral Therapy. Thank you, Kheng. Thank you, Martyn. Thank you, Heather.

I am back now. Bring it on!

ps: remind me to post some pictures here.

"If I Ain't Got You"

2008-04-21T07:25:00.005+07:00

This one is for you, God. It's been a long time.

ps: am deleting the word "baby" from the lyrics as I have never referred to You using such word. Perhaps I should :p

Some people live for the fortune
Some people live just for the fame
Some people live for the power
Some people live just to play the game
Some people think that the physical things
Define what's within
And I've been there before
But that life's a bore
So full of the superficial

[Chorus:]
Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't You
If I ain't got You
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got You

Some people search for a fountain
That promises forever young
Some people need three dozen roses
And that's the only way to prove you love them
Hand me the world on a silver platter
And what good would it be
With no one to share
With no one who truly cares for me

[Chorus:]
Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't You
If I ain't got You
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got You, You, You
Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't You
If I ain't got You
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got You

[Outro:]
If I ain't got You with me
So nothing in this whole wide world don't mean a thing
If I ain't got You with me

PPS: I feel like Whoopy Goldberg in SisterAct.

A close list

2008-04-17T22:43:00.008+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
I give you a hint on how to note when I feel close with someone.

It is when I get chatty, when I cannot wait to chat about how my day(s) has been, and how I feel. When I talk more than she or he does, or at least 50-50.

And when I start to reveal the not-so-composed me.

I don’t think I have added a new person on this “close” list for quite some time. Not that I am trying to be exclusive or anything. I supposed it is just a matter of natural selection. And my personal inner-process.

But I have added you recently. And I want you to know, as with other people on that not-so-long list, you can call me up anytime, even years from now, to simply says, “Coffee?”, and I will directly say yes. I will make time.

It is a promise. A pleasure. An honor.

PS: No, this is not what I meant by "the last entry". The previous one.

Unsaid

2008-04-16T00:11:00.016+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
I have written some words for this inexplicable unexplainable day. I have taken some pictures for illustration with my hand phone.

The pictures have been marked for later upload. Then deleted, by mistake. Stunned. Deep breath. Eyes wide shut for a brief moment.

Perhaps some things are better left unsaid. As I have been softly spoken of lately, it is time for silence. For yet another time. To stay silent whilst continuing the walk.

For words are limiting and misleading.

Only in silence, you said, we can really listen. Only in silence we can truly honestly communicate. And understand.

Thank you. Miss you. Although it has crossed my mind, I guess you really do think I am that strong.

The City of Saba (2)

2008-04-11T20:07:00.006+07:00

Page 219 of A Year with Rumi.
Enjoyed solo without much else.
Shared with cappuccino and muffin.

The people of Saba feel bored
with just the mention of prophecy.

They have no desire of any kind. Maybe some
idle curiosity about miracles, but that's it.

This over-richness is a subtle disease.
Those who have it are blind to what's wrong,
and deaf to anyone who points it out.

The city of Saba cannot be understood
from within itself, but there is a cure,
an individual medicine, not a social remedy.

Sit quietly and listen for a voice
that will say, Be more silent.

As that happens, your soul starts to revive.
Give up talking, and your positions of power.
Give up the excessive money.

Turn toward the teachers and the prophets
who do not live in Saba. They will help you
grow sweet again, and fragrant and wild and fresh,
and thankful for any small event.

personal note: I am missing my Rumi. snif.

Note: Prayer

2008-04-09T06:02:00.004+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
It’s been quite some time since I last attended Pak Arif’s quran study. I forgot how down to earth his teaching is. It was a gentle reminder to retrospect and evaluate my steps in life thus far.

The discussion that night was about prayer. A participant asked how we can ensure that our prayer does not backlash on us. Real prayer never does, Pak Arif said.

Al Qur'an said that “all things go back to God [as their source]” (for instance in 3:109). But have we really returned all things that we are or that we do to Him? I doubt it, at least in my case. We pray for what we desire, for what we think is good fur us.

We forget that each of us is here with specific role and function. We forget that there is a master plan in life. We forget to go back to God and ask, so what’s Your plan and how can I help?

We forget to obey God’s law, or if you prefer the law of nature, the karmic law, what goes around comes around. We forget to do good. We have what a friend called “the most unfortunate person syndrome” – we think life is full of problems and not blessings.

So here’s a tip from Pak Arif: from the time we wake up, remember God (or if you prefer, remember Love, remember the Higher being in us), be thankful of all the things that we have (even the simplest thing such as our sights and hearing), pray for protection from God, pray to ask God what His plan is and what we should do. Close the prayer with feeling of thankfulness, understanding how blessed we are with our live.

So that our life be guided and we can function as we all should be, which is to be a blessing to all.

Complete note of the study (in Indonesian) is here.

Hypothetically speaking..

2008-04-07T22:53:00.007+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
A discussion with a colleague.

C: Who is going to do such and such in an event?
Me: We have Colleague B to do the job.
C: What if he is sick?
Me: Well, we have me. I can do it.
C: Yeah, but what if you are not around?
Me: I am already a Plan B. How many backup plans do you need?

Funny as it may seem, this conversation happens a lot to you and certainly to me. We keep worrying over hypothetical situations.

In a world of maybes and what-ifs, we decide to stay within our comfort zone and take a lot of precautions. Too many?

Then we complain about our life. We claim that we are stuck where we are in life, without any choice. Hm.

We refrain from taking that extra bold step in life. Steps that may probably allow us to realize our potentials and fulfill our real purpose in this world.

Perhaps only the mavericks act differently. Perhaps. In good time.

Good that God is extra patience. With all the potentials and wonders that He has carefully crafted and we have ignorantly passed, in the name of so called security. If only we knew.

Yoga Miauw

2008-04-02T20:39:00.014+07:00

Uttanasana - standing forward bend

Adho mukha svanasana - downward facing dog

Sarvangasana - shoulder stand

Savasana - corpse pose

.namaste.

ps: Revised based on suggestion from a friend. (You mean there are people who do not know what adho mukha svanasana is??? ;p )

pic: ABC-of-yoga.com

The luxury of choosing

2008-04-02T18:08:00.005+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
People often refer to me as “lucky” that I have the choice to do certain things, a lot of things. I consider myself blessed.

Not just because I have the luxury of choices. But also the luxury of having the courage to make the choice and face the consequences.

I think this is what is lacking from a lot of people. We often say we do not have any choice. A recipe for disaster.

I strongly believe that we always have the choice. It is a matter of having the keenness to notice them, the courage to make them, and the integrity to experience the consequence.

It was not until a couple of weeks ago that I realize where I have that belief. I was traveling and chatting with an amazing friend. She said, “You are lucky that your parents have raised you to be like that.” Come to think of it, she was spot on.

My father, a pain as he was when I was little *kiddin, pop*, together with my ever-loving mom have allowed me to grow the way I want myself to be, to try (almost) anything I want to try, and to taste the consequences.

I have the choices. I can make them. You have as well. You can, too.

I have made good calls, and some bad calls. But that is ok. Such experimental life has allowed me to see, to believe that I always have the choice, each comes with its own consequences.

The consequences that I have been willing to take because I know it will allow me to make the leap. To be where I am today. To be where I can be in the future.

And for that, I have my father and mother to thank. Thank you. Thank You. I keep learning everyday what you have done to me, for me. Amazing.

Look around, look down

2008-04-02T17:22:00.013+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
First occurrence
“She has vast knowledge but is stingy.” A passing comment from a friend. She runs a foundation for children education. The comment was about me to her colleagues in the foundation.

Am I really stingy? Have I really that vast knowledge to share?

Second occurrence
A questionnaire that I am filling in. One of the questions wrote: “ask your friends what they consider to be your greatest weakness”. The answer from three friends: thinking too much, too laid back, and belief in self. Wow, am I really?

.Hm.

Third occurrence

A large banner in Djoger shop in Bali, saying: “If you can, don’t just look up.”

That was it. How much bolder should a message be?

We (too) often think that we are a nobody. We look up and never down. I am just starting. I still have a lot more to learn. There is so much more yet to achieve.

We undermine the knowledge, the experience and the exposure we have gained throughout our life, our education, our work. We thirst for more knowledge, more experience, more wealth.

Don't we realize that the majority of people in a lot of regions do not even have elementary education? do not have basic food for everyday survival? have not ever traveled outside of their town? Ignorant us. Ignorant me.

This insecurity gives us the false sense of earning the right to receive. We have forgotten to give or to share. We forget that perhaps even the simplest things to us are luxuries to others.

So perhaps I am stingy. I think too much. I don’t do enough, too laid back. I don’t realize my potentials. I often look up, and seldom down.

At either case, the time has come to give, to share.

.start doing something. Anything.

Gift

2008-04-02T16:58:00.006+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
Exactly one year ago, a friend/teacher/supervisor of mine passed away. Pak Mustafa Alatas.

Last week his daughter--another dear friend of mine--called for a cup of coffee. She wanted to give me a small book and CD. A compilation of her late father’s beautiful writing and music collection.

It was the sweetest gesture.

Pak Mus, you have raised your daughter well. She has your thoughtfulness, sincerity, and kindness.

The greatest gift a father can pass to his children.

The golden moments

2008-03-21T10:51:00.007+07:00

Sunrise and sunset are often referred to as the golden moments in photography.

I wonder when the last time I did nothing but embraced these golden moments.

When did you?

Sad, isn't it?

Me and books

2008-03-17T22:37:00.008+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
Me and books go a long way back. They are among my best friends in the world. They have taken me further than I can even imagine. I thank them for it. I thank my mom and dad for it.

I was at a friend’s place. She has opened a small library for children in her neighborhood. I shared with her my love for books. I told her when it all began.

When I was little, mom used to take to the market several times a week. She almost always left me in a nearby local bookstore.

The owner kindly allowed me to roam around the store and read whatever my heart pleased. Comics, atlas, history, geography, general knowledge, anything. My love for books grew.

Dad too nurtured my love for reading. Even when I was still in elementary school, he almost obliged me to read newspapers before I left for school.

He discussed several issues from the papers with me. My love for reading grew. And so was my ability (and keenness) to analyze things.

Me and books go a long way back. We have a long way to go, still. I just hope that every kid has the same opportunity. If only they realize how far they can travel, intellectually and imaginatively speaking.

I thank the books for many things. I thank my mom and dad, too.

A refresher course

2008-03-17T21:47:00.010+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
I had a long hour chat with a friend last Saturday. One story I told her was about another friend. A friend that was a super busy person with quite a complicated life, to say the least.

I referred to her as one of my greatest teachers. And a dearest friend.

Whenever we wanted to meet, there was always something. Her meeting was extended. The restaurant in which we were supposed to meet was closed and her mobile was not functioning so she could not contact me. She had sudden assignments from her boss(es). She had to run some errands for her family. Etc etc.

So one or two hours delay to her arrival was “normal”. It was actually good, compared to the three or four hours delay. Or a no show. Or a no show with no notice.

Needless to say, I--who practically uphold the sacredness of promise and punctuality--was almost always upset when she was late. Yet, somehow, I kept (or keep, present tense) making appointments with her, and she with me.

I did not realize the lesson that I was undertaking until one day, we made another appointment. I visited her town and we were supposed to meet after work. When I SMS-ed her once I had arrived at our meeting point, she responded by saying, “Sorry, got to buy something for my daughter.”

Amazingly, all I said (and felt) was “ok”. Then I picked up the phone, called another friend, and said “looks like we can meet after all tonight.” Life went on. With little resentment, if at all.

As I was praying and contemplating after that incident, I realized that I have passed an important lesson. That lesson of being (un)emotional when somebody changes her/his mind, when somebody suddenly has other plan, and when somebody does not keep their promises.

I started to view this from her/his perspective. She has complicated life. And so has everybody else to different extent. It might be selfish for me to be upset. Perhaps it was just not meant to be.

Last Saturday night, I was supposed to meet another friend. Funnily enough, that friend too did a no show. No phone calls. No nothing. And I felt fine. “Ok, I can take some rest and finish my book then,” I thought. Turned out that the friend was sick as a dog, or so the sms in the morning said.

The story I told my friend that very afternoon now seems to be a refresher course of what to come the evening that followed.

I was reminded of my past lesson and the milestone that I have successfully passed, just before a similar incident came along. A kind reminder to not fall into the same trap twice. Thank you.

What the river has shown me

2008-03-06T12:45:00.009+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
My friends and I were discussing the poem It’s a pleasure to be a student. One asked about the line “Rivers show me the nature of myself.” What can rivers show us? She asked.

It brought me back to when I was in Anahata, Ubud, Bali.

Towards the end of my stay there, we went down to the river just below our resort.

I dipped my feet in the river. I moved my feet around and played with the water. The feet, naturally, moved and it was a nice sensation.

Then I suddenly stopped moving my feet, while still leaving them in the water. And what I saw, moved me, inside.

I saw my feet kept moving. It was moved by the river water, rather playfully. It was a grandeur sensation.

Perhaps that’s how we should live our life as well. If we surrender to nature, then the nature will gracefully and lovingly (and sometimes playfully) move us.

We do not have to try to fight or move against it to get that grand sensation. Perhaps there is such thing as trying too hard.

Instead, we just appreciate, surrender, and flow with it. Experiencing, enjoying, an even grandeur sensation.

And that, I told my friend, was what the river has shown me.

Pic: From Anahata Spa & Villas Resort.

Oh Ahmad

2008-03-06T12:18:00.003+07:00

By Narda Dalgleish.

O Ahmad
There is nothing I can do or say to prevent your intention
To blow yourself up
with those you hate.

But I would like you to know anyway
That at the end of your last prayer
when you turn your head to the right
and say
assalamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuhu
you have greeted me too
as I am there, right beside you
with the whole of Mankind
because your Lord is my breath.

Then when you turn
your head to the left
and repeat for the last time
assalamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuhu
I am there too, with the whole universe
because everywhere you turn
there is His face
And your Lord is my breath.

Even when
your hands and forehead touch the ground
and you say to your Lord with a deep sense of fulfillment
Hu
We are all there
right beneath you
with our forehead and hands and knees and toes
touching yours from the ground.
So just before you press the button
with your call Akbar
know that we are always between you and your Lord
because
He is our breath.

Now. What if I tell you that the poem is written by a mother who has lost her son to a suicide bomber?

One, one, one

2008-03-06T12:07:00.002+07:00

From Rumi. It's been a long time.

One, One, One

The lamps are different,
But the Light is the same.

So many garish lamps in the dying brain's lamp-shop,
Forget about them.

Concentrate on the essence, concentrate on Light.

In lucid bliss, calmly smoking off its own holy fire,
The Light streams towards you from all things,
All people, all possible permutation of good, evil, thought, passion.

The lamps are different,
But the Light is the same.

One matter, one energy, one Light, one Light-mind,
Endlessly emanating all things.

One turning and burning diamond,
One, one, one.

Ground yourself, strip yourself down,
To blind loving silence.

Stay there, until you see
You are gazing at the Light
With its own ageless eyes.

.I'll stay. snif.

Exhibition: Out of Tibet

2008-03-03T08:26:00.005+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
For more info, go to Enrico's website.

Travel to Bromo

2008-02-22T00:00:00.008+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
I have not been traveling for traveling sake for quite some time. Recently when I traveled, it was for business, a course, or family. So I did not know what made me say yes to last week’s travel to Mount Bromo, East Java.

There were four of us. Ex-colleagues of mine. Well, not really. I only worked with one of them while the other two came in after I left the company. But somehow I did not hesitate for a single second to say yes to the invitation. And I am so glad I did not.

The trip was great. The weather was not ideal but that did not stop us from having fun. We visited several places, ate more than enough meals and snacks, and practically laughed all the way. We chatted about nothing and about everything. We had a blast. I certainly had a blast.

I remember my teacher said that we should not travel to get away from our problems and seek peace. Because peace is within.

Have peace within you. So by the time you travel, you will not be running away anymore. You travel to appreciate the beauty of nature and to enjoy the company of the people you meet along the way. You are glorifying God.

Thank you. And You. For the glorious scenery, the beautiful friends.

Refreshing

2008-02-21T23:05:00.009+07:00

[Bahasa Indonesia]
I was sitting in a restaurant waiting for a friend. I have finished my first drink and have declined an offer from the waiter for the second one.

Then suddenly the waiter came to my table and gave me a complimentary glass of fresh water.

The water was refreshing. In more ways than one.